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Division by Zero

  • n.) created in the image of suffering / god marred beyond recognition – a redemption, a transformation.

    March 1st, 2024

    Wednesday, with her hair pulled into two messy, knee-length pigtails, and her thickly-framed circular glasses bouncing up and down the bridge of her nose, skips down a corridor in Alpha’s castle, her hands entwined behind her back and her face alight with an ear-to-ear smile. Her dark skin drinks the warm glow of the afternoon sun spilling through cedarwood lattice windows adorned with wild vines and flowers. Kohana, with a sure hand, and a steady eye, quivered keen at Wednesday’s chest, and where the arrows of others would glance away from her breast, Kohana’s weapons made their silent conquest.

    So this is love, cake-sweet and candy-sticky, warm like milk jelly and amber-honey; so this is love, to eat and be eaten, to be swallowed up, swallowed whole, the mashing of skin and sinew and marrow, the sucking of the bone.

    “My chest feels like it will explode.” It is her heart, a girl-heart where a beast’s heart should be, a whining, pining little thing full of want and unbearable longing. “What I wouldn’t give to see Miss Zhùróng again.”

    At the behest of Wednesday’s fingertips comes a fairy-tale mirror figured in gold chrome with a gloss varnish finish. Free from the shackles of the Eye of the Universe, she’s able to use her Vitrikinesis whensoever she pleases. Wednesday tears a tiny hole in the 4th dimensional space connecting their two non-adjacent locations, so eager she is to touch her face, to return to Alpha’s throne room and throw herself at the Summoner’s feet, hoarding her attention like gold.

    Wednesday smiles under her hand, watching Kohana and Alpha converse through the glass, a secret, selfish thing, stifling a giggle.

    “It is unlike me to spy, but full glad I am to have this one thing,” Wednesday concludes after musing for some time. “Is it so bad, to steal away another look, another glance…?”

    With her hands clasped gently against her chest–and her eyes glued on the mirror–she saunters forward. Her gait is businesslike and brisk despite intruding on her Master’s privacy; all the world is Wednesday’s want, her desire dampening down, stamping out, so great that there is room for little else, stabbing and squeezing and pulling her caution apart.

    “Miss Zhùróng would simply take what she wants without thinking better of it. I shall adopt her style.” Wednesday imagines herself some ravenous dragon, a large beast swelling up with hell and inferno. A retainer stands witness to Wednesday’s attempt to make herself seem more intimidating; they think she looks more akin to a bird puffing up to look more menacing to an aggressive threat, or like a small dog raising its hackles to appear bigger.

    “Forgive me for asking, Temperance, but are you well?” the servant asks, reaching out a hand, looking at Wednesday as if she has gone mad.

    “Eep!” Wednesday’s face is consumed with an ascending heart-fire, setting aflame her nose, her forehead, the apples of her cheeks. She slams her eyes shut. Her lips tremble. “W-wah, d-don’t startle me like that! I’m fine, I’m fine,” Wednesday stammers in an attempt to steel herself, to calm her nerves gone haywire, “I swear it! Don’t tell Our Lord, don’t tell Alpha!”

    She tries to choke back Alpha’s name, but it is far too late to take back her impudence. His name thrashes on its way down her throat, shrapnel-sharp and barbed-wire bitter. Her body stiffens, as if to run, but she only manages to look down in shame, her mouth snapping shut like the mandibles of a Dracula ant.

    “I won’t, I assure you,” the servant says with a pitying smile, startled into the comforting,  parental politesse of a psychiatrist. “I have not heard you say one thing,” they add quietly, their curiosity mounting after a moment’s pause. “Are you in love?” It’s more frank than the servant intended, and so they follow the question with a tittering laugh as to soften the blow of their audacious question.

    “I-I’m not sure,” Wednesday answers with a furious blush, immediately turning her back to the servant after, “I don’t think Powers are meant to know such feelings.”

    “Were you not created of Our Lord’s flesh and bone?” Their question is given in soft, gentle tones. Wednesday reflects upon their words and receives them with a nod and a smile.

    “Love is an impulse. It does not wait for permission.” The nameless servant turns their attention to a broadleaf maple tree furrowed with reddish-brown bark. The cuts they make with their lopping shears are precise and decisive; sap seeps from the tree’s wounds, rivulets of honey–though unsightly–running down its bark like thick ichor. “Love will lose faith, it will lose trust, even hope. It wants to endure, be a bashful, blushing thing, but it is hungry and has an appetite for everything. It demands. It yearns.”

    Love leaves neither man nor beast undevoured.

    Love is all-consuming, all-pervasive, all-encompassing.

    Love spares no quarter. Love leaves no survivors. Love takes no prisoners.

    My ache is immeasurably deep. My myriad throats are full of rotting corpses. My four-chamber belly is agape-open, thrown wide and spread far, a yawning, endless rapture. I eat coronae and cough up chorales. I eat starlight and retch sacred text. I am weary and wanting and waiting. I feel God in the points of my cataclysm-whetted teeth, and my angel wing tongue lays thick in my mouth, pink as deer meat.

    “You know so much about love. It’s… amazing,” Wednesday says with awed, breathy belief.

    “If I have the gift of prophecy, and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” The servant smiles so slightly that Wednesday almost does not catch it. They speak softly, and with much grace. “It may surprise you, to know that in the history of the multiverse, from the sun to the waxing moon, no one has done a thing that was not done for love. I will tell you a secret: even Our Lord has been besieged by love.”

    “I don’t understand,” Wednesday says shyly, biting her lip. “Our Lady has remained loyal and faithful to Him for eons.”

    “Our Lady? Bah.” The servant’s tone is as dry as sun-bleached Sahara bone. Wednesday flinches at the sneer in their voice. She feels small, childish, and touches her red fringe with a nervous hand. “Does the woman not deserve the dignity of her name? Poor Ashtoreth.”

    “Y-yes, but…” Wednesday is trembling now, searching for the words to best convey her thoughts. “It’s… ah…. Uncouth to refer to our Sovereigns by their names.”

    Wren barks a rough laugh: gritty, dirty, abrasive like sandpaper, dark brown flakes of rust. “You are right, in your own ignorant way. Indeed Ashtoreth has been faithful to Alpha. She was made for him, locked away in that dimensional tower.”

    “I beg your pardon?” Wednesday replies, her voice a high-pitched squeak strangled tight with two hands.

    This conversation is no longer appropriate. She should not be talking about the relationship between her god and his chosen companion, and if this servant were half as mindful as she is they would take this opportunity to switch the topic of discussion. Pressing her lips together, Wednesday clasps and unclasps her hands to convey her discomfort through gesture.

    “Must I recount the maiden-in-a-tower story to you even though you’ve heard it a thousand times?” the servant snaps. Their words feel like a knife thrusted up through Wednesday’s chin, piercing past the cartilage of her nose and plunging into the squishy brain matter of her skull. “The Adam-Eve story is as old as I am. Perhaps it is a myth. Perhaps it is a tale. Know this: it is both true and untrue, a eulogium to life and death.”

    “But you don’t look so old–”

    “It is human nature for your kind to,” the servant says, nonchalantly waving their hand around, “marry up things. You make men and women contractual, in the same way you do life and death.”

    Wednesday blinks, thoroughly confused. Alpha is not just her god, but the god of all. Both she and this servant live on a planet He created. She doesn’t understand why they keep using categorical language, as if they are not of this world, as if they aren’t of the Nulleq, and the more Wednesday attempts to parse the servant’s strange behavior the less she understands.

    “But I don’t think about any of those things–”

    Wednesday protests, but the servant puts their hands on their hips in annoyance. “Tuh! Your god should have given you some backbone. Better find it quick, girl.”

    Wednesday suddenly becomes hyper aware of the shadows in the room, darkness clutching at her from the corners. Several high-pitched noises ring in her ears: the shrill staccato of katydids, the buzzing of crickets and cicadas, the ceaseless humming of mosquitos on the hunt. Her heart starts beating with the cadence of a war drum, her skin prickling in gooseflesh, the little hairs on the back of her neck standing erect. Physically she is in Alpha’s castle, but mentally she’s found herself in a forest so dense with fir and pine trees that sunlight barely pierces through them. She can smell the balsam sap, taste the sharp, resiny green flavor.

    That this is some sort of magic, there can be no doubt, but Wednesday has never experienced anything like this.

    The tightening in her chest is intense. Her lungs’ hunger for air is excruciating. She takes very fast, shallow breaths to regulate her breathing but she can’t quite get enough oxygen to sate her organs.

    “Iamnotagirl.” It all comes out in one word.

    “Hah! No? A boy then, like me? Maybe a mongrel?”

    Tendrils of soot black darkness snapping around the servant’s body reveal thickened, tough, weather-beaten brown skin dappled in skin tags and liver spots.

    Heavy, dark brows sit atop rheumy, red-rimmed eyes sporting two different colours, milky white and cinnamon (a cataract, perhaps)?

    “I jest. You are centuries old, this I know. But! That makes it no better. You see? That’s the problem with you women. You never want more.” A pause. A hearty, belly-slapping laugh. “I would have eaten Alpha–shit, piss, sweat and all–after my first week on the job.” Behind scabby, cracked lips are teeth blackened by what Wednesday can only imagine is decades of neglect, several of them missing.

    “My Lord preserve me–” she gasps, clamping a hand over her nose. The odor of sewer gas, unwashed feet and rotting cabbage assaults Wednesday’s nostrils and she almost keels over from the intensity of it, no doubt emanating from the person before her.

    Another brave glance at the servant reveals their attire: large slabs of deer hide held together by string weaved from the tough, fibrous tissues of various animals. The fur wrapped around their neck, wrists and ankles is undoubtedly that of a bears’, coarse and close-packed. The hair on the servant’s head is a stiff, prominent and impenetrable mass of mats saturated with mud and cruor.

    “I like you, ochki.” They plunge their hand into their chest, tearing out a fistful of viscera; their innards hit the floor with a gushy, wet thump, burgundy-red pulp splattering against the earth. Slipping their hand deftly beneath their ribs, they yank out their writhing, squirming heart in one quick surgical motion. “These things are like jelly,” the servant says casually, as if holding their own heart is as normal as taking in air. “Feels like holding a bag of juicy, slimy earthworms. Or an unpeeled fruit.”

    The servant continues to empty themselves–esophagus, lungs, liver, spleen–ripping and tearing and snatching. Fat and sagging skin slip away from their body like meat falling off a braised rack of barbeque pork.

    The siege on themselves ends when they snap away one of their ribs like pulling apart a wishbone.

    “And the rib,” they begin, swooning over their hard-sought prize, “which the Lord God had taken from himself, made He a woman, and brought her unto man. What is Ashtoreth, but another extension of Alpha! Being created to care for someone is more of a function than love, da?”

    “Who are you?” Wednesday asks, her voice as keen as a knife’s edge. She straightens.

    “You may call me Wren.”

    “Wren, then. You’re certainly no servant.”

    Wren laughs, harsh and hoarse. “Of course not. I’d never serve some big antlered oaf.”

    Wednesday’s shoulders grind against her spine. “You will not speak of my Lord in that manner, infiltrator.” It is a threat. It is also a promise. Wednesday’s eyes have been whetted into blades that cut Wren’s throat from Adam’s apple to nape, flaying flesh and skewering vertebrae.

    Wren’s lips curl into a wicked smile, long and seemingly endless, widening her wrinkled, leathery face. “Finally, some bark. Some bite! How does it feel, little poppet?”

    How does it feel? Like sand. Like sapphires. Like silk and soil.

    Like I was made for violence.

    “For you, love is a choice. What is the ability to choose, if not revolt?”

    “To think a rib could cause all this trouble,” Wednesday quietly answers after a brief bout of introspection, her voice relenting to softness. “Despite everything,” she swallows, her eyes bright with conviction, “I believe my Lord has a good reason for stowing Our Lady away.”

    “You believe with all your tender, tiny bleeding heart that your god is just, because you must.”

    Wren smiles wryly. Wednesday’s naivety is a rare sight in the multiverse; it’s difficult not to mock her. “I tell you this: he would not be amused with your infatuation with Kohana.” Wren’s voice is hushed, gentle. Poor Wednesday, sweet Wednesday, whose eyes turn bleary and dim. “Alpha is an empty well into which you pour yourself, and yet sounds no echo.”

    Wednesday’s hands turn into loosely-wound fists, trembling with disbelief. She narrows her eyes at Wren, full of revulsion.

    “That isn’t true,” she insists, her eyes glinting with depthless pleading. “My Lord would want me to be happy. He would give me his blessing. Friday is espoused to two lovely men, although I never,” her words catch like hooks in her throat at the realization, “I never… met them.”

    Surely her memory fails her. Surely Friday’s nuptial ceremony happened so long ago she cannot recall attending it, or perhaps she has gotten so used to Friday’s absence so, too, has her memories of him vanished.

    Wednesday draws a long breath, full of grief. She is not so loyal as to ignore the implications here. “Is that why I have seen hide nor hair of Friday? Was he banished because he was smitten? Too concerned with vain, empty, trifling things to do his duty as a Power?” She casts her eyes down, ashamed, afraid of Wren’s answer.

    “Friday is dead, my dear.” Wren’s voice is hard, like January branches snapping under the weight of icicles. Although Wednesday says nothing she hears her own keening, mourning lament, sees her own unhindered display of grief, the way she howls sorrow into the ground down on both knees.

    “Powers can’t die.” Wednesday is struck numb by her own mortality.

    Wren raises a brow, folding her arms across her hollowed chest. “And who told you that?”

    Silence is a thick, opaque fog that envelops both Crone and Temperance. They sit in it, an overlong period of remembrance and quiet reflection until, finally, Wren swallows thickly and speaks: “You want to be brave. You are a miserable child being undone by grief, and you want to be brave.”

    There is something admirable in that bravery. A sly, all-knowing smile curls Wren’s lips. “Death-or-glory, I say. Be rock-ribbed.”

    The area around the two begins to twist into normality again. The smell of moist, freshly turned soil comforts Wednesday. She is greeted by bees buzzing about the pristinely-trimmed butterfly-brushes and the creamy, crinkly-edged yellow blossoms of summer azaleas. Lured into the garden by catmint and thyme, the castle vibrates with the birdsong of orioles. A soothing breeze dances through deep tone wind chimes, bells of paradise and rings of Neptune. She can hear gravel crushed underfoot, grass rustling against each other in the light air. You are home, the violets whisper. You are home, and you are safe.

    When Wednesday regains her bearings she looks for Wren, for that servant, and she is not disappointed when she sets her sights on the middle-aged person she had been talking to before all this started.

    The same unblemished skin.

    The same long, voluptuous pink hair tied back into a messy bun.

    The same kind, thickly-lashed faery floss-coloured eyes.

    The same sweet, motherly smile.

    “Love is life-or-death,” Wren murmurs, and she holds both her arms wide in a gesture of warm, maternal love. “You must fight for it, tooth and nail. It demands no less.”

    Wednesday shuts her eyes tight, her feet glued to the ground. Wren touches her cheeks with the back of her fingers–a placating gesture–and with her free hand she wipes at one of Wednesday’s eyes, expecting a shower of tears.

    When Wednesday opens her eyes again Wren is gone, as if she were never there, and a familiar face looms over her. Courage.

    Sunday is the blood at the bottom of every sinner’s heart: ugly, deep, dark. His hair, the colour of a battle in vain, bodies broken and bleeding and bestrewn.

    His eyes. Wednesday cannot comprehend so much death happening at once. Alpha wrote Sunday’s existence in war, whereby he struggled in the womb of creation. The Power was annihilated, resurrected as a new man over and over again: a pathetic beginning, a crushing defeat that put iron in his backbone and sulfur in his blood in ad infinitum. Wednesday is not like Sunday–he was wiped out as a human being in order to be born again an individual, made to fail, to be desperate, to hit bottom by baring bone.

    Sunday does not use words, he wastes away like Christ on the Cross, like stigmata in the hands, like bullet wounds through the heart. Wednesday learned long ago that he is a prince who acts like a beast, not altogether human or humane because he cannot afford to be a perfect gentleman. His heart is armed, barbed, a ticking time bomb to all except Lord Alpha.

    “A-ah!” Wednesday squeaks, biting the inside of her cheek as terror gnaws on her heart. Her voice is high, her throat strangled tight with surprise. “I, it’s…” She glues her eyes to the ground, twisting her fingers together. Her face flushes with a deep, burning shame as she trembles under Sunday’s scouring gaze. “Umm… Y-you…” When she finally looks at him, she is overcome with terror.

    He is a herculean slab of a man, eclipsing her in height, nearly as tall as the Lord they dutifully serve (Sunday’s body devours hers thrice over, but even the most minute of his movements are eloquent, genteel – he glides, he soars).

    Sunday’s hair, a snarl of molten, crackling, fiery liquid iron poured fresh from a forge falling about his ankles in lustrous curls; his eyes, fringed with long lashes, slitted golden-red-orange and smoldering behind champagne-pink spectacles, peering down at Wednesday with a haughty stare of indifference. He raises one hand to adjust his cufflink with fastidious care.

    “Won’t you greet me, Temperance?” Sunday’s voice shakes the marrow in her bones. His gaze, ice beneath ice. His face, an unforgiving February night. “I suppose it matters little,” comes his snappy addendum, his tone icicle sharp–he sounds like blizzard light, both hellfire and winter blight. Her throat has gone desert dry. “Our Lord has summoned me and you are wasting my time.”

    Wednesday opens her mouth, scrambling to acknowledge the other Power but she is stopped by the meaty, metallic taste of a thousand wars on her tongue, eons of gore forced down her throat. She cannot bear the brutality of him, the crushing weight of his presence. He purses his lips and looks at Wednesday through the bottom of his glasses. She gulps. He pulls his cruel mouth into a snarl. Ashamed, she bows her head and blood surges in her ears, her face alight like fire. “Sorry, I-I–”

    “Oh stop that,” he hisses. Wednesday sighs and sinks back. “I will have no excuses. Save that for someone else.” With an index finger he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose–an elegant, learned gesture–and continues to look down at Wednesday as he does so. Being in Sunday’s presence feels like she’s been thrust on the First War’s frontlines. “I know you have no stomach for it, and I cannot make a hero out of a coward, frightened to death as you always are, but really? You are His attendant. I find your constant squirming unbefitting of a Power.”

    Wednesday calms her nerves by swallowing down a large gulp of air. Sunday purses his lips and plants his hands on his hips, furrowing his brows at her performance. “My apologies, Sunday. I did not want it to seem like I was reporting to our Lord in your stead.”

    “Of course not. You would do no such thing. You have neither the guts nor the gall to answer when Courage is called,” he snorts.

    “Correct,” Wednesday says peacefully. The sun takes her face into its hands and peppers her with kisses, turning hazel eyes into gold. “Our meeting is nothing more than a coincidence. I’ve been to and fro, you see, ensuring our Lord’s esteemed guest is pleased with their arrangements. I’ve been run ragged, and was nervous when I bumped into you, I assumed–”

    “An esteemed guest? Surely I would have been made aware if our Lord was expecting company of the exceptional sort. Is it Master Ozymandias?”

    Feeling a bit more confident, a faint smile curls her lips. “No. Usually you would have been told, but…”

    “But?”

    “The situation is…” Wednesday pauses, biting her lip. “Difficult.”

    “Temperance,” Sunday hisses. His expression changes in an instant, from friendly and coaxing and open to furious and cruel and hard. “I tire of your babble. What is it that you know?”

    “He, um–h-he is seeing a…” She trails off, eying him warily. “…C-curious woman in the audience chamber and…” Wednesday’s voice drops so that the chambermaid polishing the panes nearby cannot hear. “Alone.”

    “Alone?” Sunday hisses, his voice selfsame low. He fights the urge to call her a liar. “What do you mean alone? Perhaps I did not hear you correctly. Are there no soldiers flanking his Majesty as we speak?” “And what of the Princess? Surely she would not leave her father in the company of a stranger from the stars.”

    “He sent the guards away and did not want me by his side during the audience. I thought it strange, but who am I to question our Lord?” As she speaks, his eyes pry her apart. “And… And then I heard the clarion call to Courage, right as I made my exit. Why would our Lord summon you after sending me away? It makes little sense.” She breathes a shaky sigh of relief, relieved of this briefly-kept secret.

    “Do you think I made the right decision?”

    “That is contingent on a number of factors.”

    “Such as…?”

    “What was this mysterious woman like?”

    Again Wednesday finds herself in this situation.

    It’s hard not to be nervous; her increasing anxiety draws stress lines beneath her eyes and her heart beats thick against her chest. She presses her hands together, concealing palms slick with sweat. “Well… Um…” I’m no poet, she wants to say. She chokes those words back. “Our guest, she’s… Tall. Shapely, if I may be so bold as to describe her so. Her pupils slit into knives–their default state, it seems to me–but I have seen them become round saucers of midnight, perhaps linked to her emotions? Her skin is dark, complexion smooth, her hair dappled with the cosmos. She has with her the most curious opium pipe. It produces naught smoke, but nebulae. I have seen nothing like it.”

    Sunday’s eyes–verglas and sharp sickle both–dwell freezing down on hers. In lieu of wallowing in the awkward silence Sunday has created, Wednesday settles into it. “She wears a big hat.” Temperance raises her arms, tracing the shape of the brim.

    “What is wrong with you?” Sunday snorts at last, his reply running through her heart like a blade. “I asked what she is like, not how she looks. Is there anything in that large head of yours?”

    “Ah…” Wednesday says quietly. “I’m sorry.”

    “No need to apologize for your idiocy. You can’t help it, I am sure.”

    “I-I…” She flinches under the strength of Sunday’s frustration. Only in her grief is she equal to him. Temperance, ever a nervous, cobbled-together mess, begins to weep. “Want to… w-want to…” She abandons herself in Sunday’s arms, hot, round tears bursting forth from her eyes like a reservoir emptying itself through a failed dam. There is absolutely no chance Sunday will ever admit he was poised to catch her in an embrace, especially one this tender.

    “Come now…” He murmurs, peeling her away, pressing her hands in his, but she suddenly disengages them and, folding her hands over her eyes, cries with an expression of despair. “You can’t think this is reasonable.”

    Sunday sighs deep, wearing his best mournful look. He is pensive, still keeping Wednesday at his side for several minutes. When he does let her go it is reluctant; he breathes a note of regret and wipes a tear from her cheek. “Let us see Sire safe together, yes?” Where one might apologize, he changes the subject. Conscience-stricken he may be, Sunday does not wish to portray himself a repentant man. He begs for her forgiveness only in thought.

    Fortunately for him, the mere mention of Alpha gives Wednesday the courage to devour her tears.

    “I would like that,” she says with a half smile. Her words are cut short with the swipe of a finger against red lashes. “May I borrow your handkerchief? I would not have Our Lord see me like this.”

    “Absolutely.”

    Plucked from his breast pocket comes a single ply cloth silk and sateen customized with embroidery.

    “What Fury do you suppose is vile enough to plot such a black scheme?” Sunday asks with a somewhat gentler air as Wednesday tends to her face. “I cannot imagine what infernal Megæra you let slip into our Lord’s audience room.”

    “Hmm? Oh. I don’t think she’s that bad.”

    Sunday perks up. Intrigued, he tilts his head. “You know her, then?”

    She nods. “I’ve conversed with her on several occasions. If she had some nefarious plot, she would have carried it out by now.”

    “Do not misunderstand, Temperance. I have full confidence in your ability to judge the character of others, however I must evaluate her myself. I believe there is no one Our Loud cannot thwart, but I remain cautious when it comes to denizens of the stars.” Sunday was wary of Ozymandias for months even after Alpha told him the Draegon leader was an old friend; his words are true to his hypervigilance.

    “Wait.” And Sunday pivots slowly on his heel, turning to meet Wednesday once more.

    Wednesday casts her eyes down towards Sunday’s black, leather brogues, fixating on the star-shaped detailing and distinctive Horsebit motif of his expensive footwear. When she forgets to ask her question, she shakes her head in an attempt to jolt herself back to action. Sunday’s gaze is still icy, penetrating, but there is a glint of surprise in his eyes that gives Wednesday the courage to continue.

    “Do you…” she asks, diffident, in a voice and with a smile Sunday half recognizes. “Do you know what love is?”

    “I am no expert, nevertheless I will answer your question to the best of my ability.” Sunday’s keen facial features soften as he looks at Wednesday with equal parts amazement and alarm, though the latter not wildly so. It is unlike Wednesday to be so… philosophical. He finds himself fascinated by her sudden interest in the abstract and relishes in the opportunity to ponder something so esoteric–carefully and thoroughly–to a willing party. Alpha would never suffer Sunday’s ramblings under any circumstances (he knows few who would), and he, like his Lord, does not relish in the company of others he deems beneath him.

    “Like war, where any strategy is accepted,” he continues, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with the elegant tap of an index finger where the frame meets in the middle, “affairs of the heart are also no-holds-barred contests. When the stakes are of great consequence should one lose, there is no act too terrible. It brings to mind the Ten-Year Trojan War. Helen would not be beautiful forever, so Paris chose Aphrodite. Qué será, será. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost. Love sounds exhausting, and I want no part of it.”

    Wednesday pulls her full lips into a bashful smile, fiddling with the sleeve of her sweater. She had anticipated Sunday’s ire and instead received an earnest deduction. “Thank you.”

    “Think nothing of it.” He gently pats her head and then guides her down the hall. “Although… I am curious as to the reason behind your question.”

    “Let assume Our Lord has a Lord. I think it would be love.”

    “Ridiculous. Treasonous, even, but a fascinating supposition. You may continue.”

    “When I am with Miss Zhùróng, I feel its presence. It is gannet-like, insatiate, and it wants the world.”

    The last click of his high heel punctuates his silence. Wednesday, pressing the tips of her fingers together, steals an upward glance at Sunday’s face, his eye bent down on her in an expression of stern surprise and keen inquiry.

    “That is quite an abstract take on a would-be God of Gods.” Of course, Sunday also understands that Wednesday does not think Kohana is that god, rather, she carries it with her somehow. Even if that were true, he does not understand what purpose bringing such an entity to Alpha would serve.

    As the two make their way towards the audience chamber, sprinklers release smooth, quiet mist across plots of dill and chamomile. The contemporary moon gates they walk under double as both sculpture and flowerbed; Sunday and Wednesday are flanked by marjoram and the bright green glossy narrow leaves of shamrock inkberry holly.

    “Speaking on the assumption that this God of Gods does exist,” Sunday muses as a sudden thought occurs to him, “and I will continue to call it ‘God of Gods’ for simplicity’s sake — I do not think it would be love as I understand it.”

    Sunday has made it no secret he considers Wednesday’s words blasphemy, but he remains even-tempered. It is as if the very topic has brought him some sort of solace.

    Wednesday leans into Sunday’s tall, imposing figure, resting her head against his muscular forearm. He smiles slightly, syncing his footfalls with hers.

    “Infatuation: love that burns bright and fast. Lust: love that rushes, love that fills, a flood of carnal desire.” A pensive cloud looms over his head, softening his chiseled features. There is a slight tremble in his dragon-slaying hands; the sad, resolute look on his face speaks where silence prevails and words fail. He swallows, and perhaps there is shame in it for having committed some terrible offense, real or imagined. “Love has many names — I would like to know what love between creator and creation is called. There must be a proper term.”

    Servitude.

    He smiles, and it is not a sad or bitter smile but one well-pleased and deeply gratified. “But I digress.”

    “Do continue!” Wednesday pleads with an eager, exacting glance cast towards his face.

    Sunday enters another bout of introspection, gliding his finger against the curve of his cupid’s bow.

    “Imagine, an up-and-coming dancer who wears a very long, red scarf to all of her performances as a signature accessory,” he begins, quite coolly, adopting a dramatic air. “After a year of toil, she makes a purchase with the hard-won fruits of her labor: a convertible car. One day, while driving home from work, her scarf gets caught in the vehicle’s wheel, which violently tears her out of her seat and throws her onto the pavement, killing her instantly. That is what I think the God of Gods would be like. Not a man, not like you and I, but an inevitable accident occurring under highly unusual and unlikely circumstances.”

    Wednesday finds her gaze wandering towards a moss-covered statue triumphantly posed atop a marble-wrought pedestal placed at the end of an allée of trees. Limestone panels depicting carved grapes and wheat sheaths distract her. A turtle nestled among a copse of fir trees beckons her thoughts to wander.

    I am the butcher’s blade trachea-deep in your jugular.

    I am the light-weight shirt clinging to every groove of your sweat-drenched back, the burning sting of old mascara melting into eyes gone bloodshot. I am the electric shock that surges through the circulatory system, the adrenaline rush that activates the fight-or-flight response (the heart is the size of a clenched fist because it is your primordial weapon — wage war, mount an attack, take up arms — fight, never flight, never flee, I won’t let you run, stand your ground, defend yourself).

    “A God of Gods would rarely interact with us, and if it does, when it does, it would be nothing less than cataclysm. The world would be remade, reclaimed by nature. A God of Gods would not leave you unaffected by the bite of a viper. A God of Gods would not part the sea with precision. A God of Gods is too big to be exact. It does not know how to bring miraculous deliverance from danger and suffering. It stands to reason that Our Lord, too, would be subject to its intervention.”

    I am the sudden, giddy fluttering in the pit of your gut. I am your insides climbing up and out of your torso like morning glory vines reaching up towards the sun. I am the catch in your throat, the tight feeling before the tears fall, the awkward, broken-off surge of pure emotion.

    (How could that possibly be? How could this be happening?)

    It’s terminal: you are dying of love.

    (This isn’t fair. The results are wrong.)

    I’m sorry to tell you your situation is not only incurable but unfortunately poorly treatable.

    (Please, what if I change? I’ll cut my hair short, I’ll let my beard go.)

    After you have a moment to think about this, we can review a couple of options on how to proceed and whether or not trying to do treatment is the right thing for you.

    (Nothing will ever be right again. Why go on at all, when my whole life amounts to this.)

    Let me know if you understand what I’ve just said and when you’re ready for me to say more.

    (This is the hardest stage of grief to endure.)

    ⋆。°✩

    Hundreds of dazzling florets spill from baskets hanging from the ceiling, voluptuous folds of violet blue petals contrasting dramatically with crimson sepals. Kohana opens her mouth to ask if Alpha decorated his chambers for her but is ensorcelled by golden yellow and orange nasturtiums with striking red flashes inside. Heart-shaped, dark-green leaves variegated with chartreuse and gold in the center bring her eyes towards Alpha sitting comfortably in his throne, quite pleased with her star-struck expression.

    His throne room hadn’t looked like this before. The sun-kissed smell of ivy leaves on a stone wall makes her swoon.

    “Clotho told me you like flowers,” says Alpha amiably, his voice like thick liquor (dark, syrupy, whiskey-infused), flowing over her and into her skin.

    “I…” Kohana begins, but is distracted by the ambience of a mid-August day, its summer balm persisting. The lingering aroma of his chambers is radiant: zesty citron tinted with details of bitter galbanum and petitgrain. “… Still don’t like you. And…” She turns her head slowly, so as not to startle the frolicking deer that are clearly his pets. She glances again at Alpha, opening her mouth as if to say something, but closes it again.

    Nectar-rich flowers attract honey bees, hummingbirds, and butterflies; deer and rabbits graze on leaves and twigs. Kohana’s mouth is flooded with the taste of fox meat, coyote bones, and the endless bounty of the Earth. All at once she is overwhelmed with memories of eating wild turkey, bear meat, and squirrels under the beating heart of this planet’s sun. She has kept her primal instinct in check for far too long, her roots reaching deep into the womb of his world–it was only an hour ago that she was flanked by wild lions, wolves, elk, snakes, and birds.

    Had he been watching her? Did he see when she sank her teeth into fully-ripened pomegranate fit to bursting (it’s throbbing flesh, its pulsing blood)? Did he see when she drank herself silly on an ever-flowing cup of wine that continually intoxicated her, staining her body red with gore?

    The two cosmic beings watch each other for some time, like two vultures on a bare and broken branch. The ever-expanding, combined might of Alpha and Kohana’s power in one room ,  Reality is crushed under the weight of them, existence underfoot begging and praying. The fear the First Universe feels towards them is biblical. Even amongst the silence there is no quiet here: atoms are quaking, reality is rippling.

    What strength this unapologetically hungry monster-heroine has. Enough to swallow a man whole. Not every monster devours, this Alpha knows, but the drive to consume—to make short work of his heart, or swallow the sun, or devour the stars—is considerable. Other men would have Kohana politely finish what is on her plate and decline seconds, satisfied and satisfiable, but Alpha is different.

    He knows she is fueled by hunger, defined by it, driven by it — far worse than a woman who consumes men in known qualities: Kohana’s hunger is bottomless. She is tough and ancient, tried by a million years of ice and fire. When she looks up at him he sees a tigress with a full belly, her slitted eyes all bright with irrepressible mischief.

    “I didn’t think you were coming,” Alpha says, his eyes bright and amused. The deep baritone of his voice knocks Kohana down to the earth. Alpha throws his arms open in a welcoming gesture. “Welcome, Kohana.”

    “Why wouldn’t I show up?” comes Kohana’s exasperated sigh. “I told Clotho I’d help you and I’d never hear the end of it if I broke our pinky promise.”

    Besides, it’s not like Clotho isn’t watching them as they speak. Kohana and Alpha are her two favorite people; she wouldn’t miss them being in the same room for the world. Not that she particularly cares about any world. In fact, Alpha’s world could crumble right now and she would simply teleport the two of them to a different planet in his Universe to continue their conversation.

    Kohana draws deeply on her pipe and takes a few steps towards him, blowing a glimmering swirl of smoke in his direction. She looks up at Alpha’s antlers and her eyes narrow further. “Was making me wait several days to get a proper audience with you really necessary?” she asks, her voice thick and raspy. A tendril of smoke slips from between her lips in something like the shape of a hand making a come-hither gesture towards the king.

    “Yes,” is his reply, all deep-toned and velvety-rich. When Alpha shrugs his indifference ripples down from his broad shoulders and across his colossal back. She finds herself staring at where his neck curves into his shoulder as he cocks his head and thinks for a moment. “Do you think you’re special enough to interrupt proper procedure on my planet? Surely you were pleased with your accommodations–”

    Kohana grimaces, snapping back to attention. “I didn’t want to stay in your stupid castle!”

    Her words are razor-edged, falling out of her mouth like shards of shattered glass. Her eyes are keen and wild, green as sulphuric acid, her skin less Summer-kissed and more scarlet, her blood rushing with so much force that Alpha thinks it might leap out of her. She reminds him of bayonets and barbed wire, diamonds and daggers–a hellcat with a hair trigger.

    Her sudden outburst doesn’t bother him, but her recalcitrance does bring him to pause. She has proven nothing in refusing to stay in the most luxurious lodgings his planet can provide. If anything, she’s inconvenienced herself and is now throwing a temper tantrum.

    Kohana smiles, but her smile is an animal’s bared teeth. “I am not so easily impressed.” The child’s tantrum has gone from her voice, replaced by something hard and old and strong. She appraises him like a general sizing up a soldier.

    “I imagine that’s how you play your tricks, offering days full of power and riches. You’ll find I’m not so easily wooed – gold and beauty will not buy my heart, and so I sought the company of your garden instead.” Her plush lips part into a smug little grin, quite pleased with herself. Kohana has no fear of the dark, or of wild animals, or of places uninhabited by men.

    “You slept outside?” Alpha’s lash-fringed eyes widen, interested and amused, and somehow his amusement doesn’t irritate her.

    “For an entire week!” She grins coyly up at Alpha. “I ate flowers and drank rainwater.” She pauses, knitting her fingers together as she recalls the place with which she was forbidden to foray. “I was quite surprised by the abundance of fruit and game on your planet. I found a tree and ate its sweet, pulpy fruit. It was vulvic, like eating the flesh and fluid of your world.”

    Alpha laughs, and his laugh is as big and broad as his chest, a laugh fit to burst barrels. “Interesting.”

    Her innuendo isn’t lost upon him. He stands, three times her height, towering over her like a skyscraper. She keeps her lashes low because it’s too much to look at him, his mouth loose and pink and parted, his eyes shining fiercely, taking in some unfathomable horror and then growing dreamy, hypnotic, cutting through her throat. She begins to feel like a wounded gazelle (and nothing is more dangerous than a cornered wild beast) when, with one attentive finger, Alpha tucks her hair behind an ear—you’ll do everything I want.

    She feels his lips close over hers and the shock of this almost-kiss jolts through her like a lightning bolt. “Don’t insult me. There isn’t a pleasure of the flesh I have not sampled.” Each baritone syllable shakes her to the core.

    A raspberry red blush burns her cheeks as she looks away, her embarrassment as deep as Scarlet Fire roses. She squeezes her fists till they are the colour of blood. “You think you’re so tall and strong,” comes her retort, almost a hiss, almost a groan. After some sniffling and snorting, she plants her hands on her hips, her face twisting in injured dignity. Alpha’s shrug is followed by the rippling of his broad muscles, which makes Kohana’s eyes crease with embarrassment.

    “So what seems to be the problem, Lord Alpha?” comes her sour reply. Though insincere, Kohana bows grandly, sweeping one hand out to the side like she imagines his servants do. “Or should I call you His Radiance?” she asks, in the most elegant, courtly, grandest of accents. “Might I, your lowly servant, inquire after your preferred title?”

    “You may call me whatever you like, within reason. I do not think the Enochonetic remiss enough to not have briefed you on our situation.”

    “Obviously Clotho didn’t tell me shit, or I wouldn’t be asking. Forgive me, but I find it suspicious that a big, strong, all-powerful immortal god is having trouble winning a tiny, itty-bitty teensy weensy little war.”

    Alpha lets out a low chuckle. “I didn’t ask for your help.”

    Kohana snorts. “You’re not refusing it.”

    “If you want to assist me it is of your own free will, nothing more.”

    “And what?” Her voice: a knife buried in the sinews of a king’s heart. “Let the Umbrakinetic have the run of this universe? I don’t think so. As much as I don’t like you, I’ve got a bigger, more pressing matter to attend to.”

    “Yes, Clotho spoke briefly about the Summoners and their commitment to the multiverse. What do you fight for? Certainly not for eternal cosmic peace. The war I wage has existed eons before you, and it will endure eons after you are gone.” Alpha pauses, closing his eyes. “Perhaps you should accept that some conflicts are beyond even you, General Ohuang-Zhùróng.”

    “It’s Kohana,” she briskly corrects. “Listen, Antlers, your universe is rotting. I assume your war has to do with your universe’s decay, and if that’s true I have to know what’s causing it. If we’re going to work together, let’s not keep secrets.” The First universe exists as sleeping darkness, unknowable, unknown, wholly immersed in deep slumber. This universe is ever-perishing, ever-changing, waking and sleeping, incessantly revivifying and destroying itself. It reminds her of Isleen.

    “I’ve only known you for a second and already you’re demanding things I haven’t confided in with my closest consorts.”

    Kohana leans in towards Alpha, outstretching her arms like a cat stretching after eating an overly-filling meal. She reaches for him, grasping, grinning, her eyes gleaming. “Here, I’ll tell you a secret first. The entire time we’ve been talking, I’ve been wondering how big your cock is.”

    Alpha doesn’t even blink. “More than you can handle. Anything else?”

    Kohana snorts, turning her nose up at his indifference, sitting back up and crossing her arms in indignation. “Asshole.”

    Muttering to herself, her lips curl into a smirk as she exhales a thick cloud of smoke. “You think you’re too good for me, huh?” She cocks her head to the side, looking at him through full, fringed lashes, her gaze casting a wicked spell. “You’ll want to fight or fuck me”–a pause, the quirk of a brow, and a haughty chuckle delays the end of her sentence–“eventually.”

    “Cunt,” is what Alpha would have said had he been a lesser man, but his smile remains. He retains his majesty, the magnificence with which he carries himself–such is the duty of a king.

    But oh, if he could tear her apart, rip her limb from limb for insinuating he is even a little bit attracted to her, he’d have her running out of his throne room in tears. The audacity of it all, the sheer magnitude of her ego; he can’t stand it. “What’s wrong? Don’t tell me a little rejection riles you so. I didn’t think you were so easily hurt.”

    Clotho, watching the two of them afar in a distant universe (for one cannot be omniscient without being omnipresent), finds herself suddenly jealous and does not know who she envies more. Her eyes are murky, shaded by pity and loathing and contempt; she feels a hole in her heart shaped like a bullet wound. She purses her lips together, fighting the urge to plunge her hand into her abdomen and rip out her intestines in order to make a rough-and-ready noose.

    Or perhaps they would like her blacker-than-black heart, as dark as a midnight winter’s night, served up to them on a sterling silver platter.

    Clotho is full of terrible, sear-white light, a ripping, a gouging, a tearing; her head–flooded with thoughts of being left behind, of being abandoned–is set ablaze with righteous fury and rancorous light. Her halo, an ouroboros of warmth and grace incinerates the universe she’s in, swallowing it whole in an instant, setting the multiverse alight–then a crescendo of silence.

    She stands back, straight-spined, and stares the duo down with eyes as cold as dead hands, so lonely and ever full of sorrow.

    Clotho was sure Alpha and Kohana were like oil and water and would sooner go for each other’s throats than get along in any respect, and yet here they are, between the beat and bickering, discussing solutions to Alpha’s impossible-to-solve problem. What makes Kohana so willing and eager to help? What makes Alpha so yielding to her antics? The two of them becoming friends would be bad on its own, but doing so without her permission? She’d have their heads. They cannot fathom the things Clotho would do to punish them.

    “I haven’t allowed it,” Clotho says under her breath, turning her head, considering the circumstances. “I’d never allow it.”

    “Alphie and Kitty Kat!” Clotho says very sweetly.

    Alpha wrinkles his nose at Clotho’s sugary voice, whereas Kohana’s green eyes spark beneath knitted brows. At first Kohana laughs, a bark, a snap of an electric bolt, and then she seethes, her lips pulling back from her teeth like a lioness. “Clotho,” she says with a feline-slitted, serrated glare. The Enochonetic’s silhouette shimmers brilliantly in the warm, syrupy afternoon sunlight spilling into Alpha’s chamber. “I told you not to call me that.”

    Clotho laughs, bright and full, holding on to her cheeks to keep her smile from flying away. Suspended in the air by the halo at her feet, Clotho floats up to Kohana so that they’re eye-level. “But you like it when I call you that.” Clotho curtsies, floating a full inch higher. “Right?” This time she asks in a half-whisper, like a gentle breeze’s caress: “Don’t you?”

    Clotho’s steadfast love endures forever. Her smile grows deeper and wider and kinder and brighter until it’s brutal, and then she puts a hard, cold, possessive hand on the Summoner’s shoulder. “You like it because I like it.” And then she laughs, her expression delighted and cruel like a child who has played an especially good joke. “Just kidding! I was only teasing. I’ve a heart like a big lump of sugar, I could never be mad at you.”

    The softening of Kohana’s expression is accompanied by a short, sharp laugh. “If you were anyone else…”

    Clotho looks up at Kohana, her pale pink eyes wide and dear. “What would you do? Tell me! Tell me!”

    Kohana grins her feral grin, a grin she hopes promises of games and prank-filled afternoons and dangerous adventures that allude even Clotho’s omniscience. “Ask Alpha.”

    Before Alpha can utter a word, Sunday and Wednesday walk into the audience chamber with the former marked by vigilance and the latter surprised to see Clotho again in the company of both her Lord and Kohana. Pleased to see Wednesday, Kohana tips her head down slightly and gives her a coy, tight-lipped smile. There is an exaggerated, provocative sway to her hips as she closes the gap between them; the click of Kohana’s six-inch heels against the floor makes Wednesday go weak at the knees in swoon.

    “Hello again, my lovely little nonnette.”

    “M-miss Zhùróng! I um, I’m h-happy to see you! Always happy to see you and -”

    “And who are you?” Clotho asks the two Powers, her voice a little too soft to hear. Her eyes gleam with a curiosity like hunger, eager, all-devouring. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

    Sunday twists his face up into a snarl. “This isn’t the time for introductions! Where is my Lord you harlot!”

    Clotho turns to Sunday and smiles. It is a frightening smile, one that lights up the whole of Heaven. Her halo manifests behind her, an extraordinary crème-chiffon colour, a smear of sharp light against Alpha’s hyacinths.

    “I am the Echonianetic, the multiversal manifestation of life. I am to be and to become. I undergo death and remain deathless. Your life is overshadowed by mine, little ladybug. My first mother, Ananke, self-formed at the dawn of creation–an incorporeal, serpentine being whose outstretched arms encompassed the breadth of the cosmos. My second mother, Nyktos, the black, the empty, the primordial foundation of all manifested forms, the ground of potentiality for everything that exists.”

    Sunday, suspicious of Clotho’s claims and eager to reunite with Alpha, closes the space between himself and her. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Sunday bends down and stares into Clotho’s eyes with his eyes of fire. Gently, he picks her up by the armpits, her legs dangling helplessly beneath her as he inspects her further.

    “What a strange child.” She’s featherlight, so he concludes her bones must be hollow (if she even has them…); Clotho’s blush creeps down her neck and into her soul, so embarrassed she is at being toted around like a doll.

    Wednesday gasps, covers her mouth with both hands, and then tries to pretend she hadn’t. “S-Sunday…?” She smiles and then chokes on it.

    “What?” His face snaps back into its usual irritated expression. “Surely you don’t believe such nonsense.”

    Kohana takes a long drag of her smoke pipe, gesturing towards Sunday. “Might I be the harlot you’re looking for?”

    “You,” Sunday spits, as if the word itself is acid-coated, curlingly bitter. The hatred in his voice is thick and viscous, an oily-dark, venom-coloured malice; his rage blusters inside of him as he manages to keep it at bay by a very small margin. “If I find out you’ve made an attempt on my Master’s life, I’ll–”

    “I can assure you I have not harmed one silvery hair on your precious god’s head.” Kohana cuts him off, exhaling a star-laden haze of cosmic gas and dust into his face in an inappropriately casual way. There is mischief in her cat-slitted, chartreuse-coloured eyes, the kind that pokes and provokes for no reason in particular. If she had a tail it would be held high behind her with a little twitch at the tip–happiness entirely at Sunday’s expense. “Unless you want me to. In which case, I am happy to oblige.”

    Wednesday looks at Sunday and sees earthquakes, land and ice slips, meteor strikes. His face is creased in anger so palpable she can taste it.

    Nervous, she curls her index finger against her chin; this could easily escalate into a full-blown duel to the death and she would be powerless to stop it. Alpha could intervene, but he won’t, because he is entertained by Kohana and Sunday’s banter. She can tell by his body language. His muscles are loose and his eyes are smiling. His gaze is relaxed – he observes Kohana and Sunday without staring, with little blinking.

    Wednesday raises a hand above her head, her palm open and facing forward, enforcing order and turn-allocation. Sunday and Kohana are both gagged by this gesture; she has their attention in an instant without saying a single word.

    “My Lord,” she says quietly, and with some fear and trepidation, “forgive me if this is impudent, but I must ask… What is love?”

    Alpha, who had been holding his chin between his bent forefinger and thumb, strokes his cheek up and down with the back of his fingers. He is confident, his head held up and tilted slightly back.

    “Love is a tool of subjugation. It is important to ask yourself two questions when flirting with the idea of a relationship. The first: how will love serve me? Next: how will my public perception be impacted as a result? Anything else hardly matters. You must meet your needs first, even at the expense of your significant other. Especially at the expense of your significant other.”

    “Oh.”

    “Aww, Alphie, don’t say that!” Clotho blurts out. In her excitement she floats over to Wednesday and squeezes her cheeks together. “Don’t listen to him Wednesday, he’s just a bitter, crusty old man.”

    “M-my Lord isn’t c-crusbty.”

    “It’s better she knows the whole of it now.” Alpha says, folding his arms across his broad chest. “She will be happier than she is in her current state of ignorance.”

    “An astute answer, my Lord,” Sunday affirms. “I also do not appreciate you calling my Lord ‘crusty,’ Clotho. Please refrain from doing so again.”

    “No promises,” Clotho replies, releasing Wednesday’s face. She grins at Sunday, wide and genuine. “You’re kind of crusty too.”

    Is Alpha surprised the others don’t appreciate his sagely advice? No. His boundaries are rigid, his self-esteem compulsive. He holds his autonomy and independence above all else, whereby his need for relationships–platonic or otherwise–is near none. Anyone wise knows vulnerability is a sign of weakness, an invitation for others to exploit them. Love has never served him, has never suited him. People are unpredictable and unreliable, as is human nature; there are few he respects enough to court.

    Kohana, who had been looking at Alpha with a deadpan expression following his ‘advice’, finally feels inclined to join the conversation. “Very utilitarian,” she scoffs. She smiles a long, slow, sarcastic smile in an attempt to mask her thinly-veiled aggression.

    With just a handful of sentences, Alpha reminds Kohana of every lover she’s ever had. In him she sees the emotionally inexpressive and unavailable Isleen, the highly punitive and avoidant General Ardouisur, and a third, unwelcome familial guest with whom she holds no fondness: the cruel dismissiveness of her father. Worse still is the knowledge that she is no better than that man, tormented by the urge to merge with her lovers in a way that can only be described as symbiotic-hostile.

    “If my impression of you is correct, General Ohuang-Zhùróng, we share the same opinion.” And there it is, Alpha’s signature triumphant grin. That look of pure, malevolent glee ushered in by a short laugh coy and insincere.

    “Hah.” Her tone is dangerously dry. In lieu of following up her comment, she takes another lengthy drag of her pipe. “You don’t know anything about me.”

    Oh, he knows.

    He knows you learned daddy’s old tricks.

    He knows your greatest fear is losing control over your lovers so you respond with intense anger to any suspicion of abandonment or being let down. He knows you scorn your partners’ excessive need for closeness while also wanting exclusive control of that closeness. He knows you agree with him because you are just like him, an extremely vulnerable broken thing that would rather die before admitting it, before letting someone else in.

    “Wednesday, no matter what you do, don’t ever, ever fall in love with someone like Alpha.”

    The god-king snorts at Kohana and raises a brow, the rippling of broad muscles following thereafter as he folds his arms across his chest. Alpha’s hair: starry-white and pearl-silk, every shimmer of silver from stone to snow, glossy and pale over powerful legs, streaks of light like curving ivory knives around him. His eyes pry into Kohana’s ribcage, skewering through her heart; she allows the violent invasion of his gaze, a wry smile dancing upon her lips as if to beckon more of his ire.

    –But it’s her eyes, the radioactive fury of them, vats of sulphuric acid pulsating with the desire to see him dead, that’s what captivates him.

    He understands now why Clotho brought her here. He feels like he did when he waged war before the First, where battle was new between old blood and the ineffable. There is something primal in her that speaks to the omnipotent-ender in him, a challenge without words, a dare, a promise: kill me if you can.

    There are some things that can only be resolved in blood.

    This, too, is love.

    “Let’s see how alike we really are,” Kohana hisses in a condescending sneer, tossing a quick, inquisitive glance around the audience chamber. “I’m going to assume you don’t care much about your garden. I don’t see you as the gardening type.”

    “Ah. Oh dear.” Clotho clicks her tongue against the ceiling of her mouth, turning her back towards Alpha and Kohana. She hops across the air, gesturing towards Sunday and Wednesday. Taking one of Sunday’s hands into her own, she gently guides him towards the door. “We better leave. They’re going to fight, I think.”

    “Unhand me,” Sunday snaps, jerking away from her. “I don’t care who you are, you will not take me away from my Lord.”

    Clotho puffs out her big, round cheeks and lets out a lungful of steamy breath. Her lips pull back in a snarl.

    A loud, booming burst of noise splits one of Sunday’s eardrums, and when he passes a look at the unaffected Wednesday his suspicions are confirmed: he was the only one who heard it. The constant grumble of electricity ravaging the tiny, lever-like bones in his head is inexplicable–even Kohana and Alpha aren’t aware of it as far as he can tell.

    “Shut up.” Clotho’s words are caustic and burning like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

    Gone is the bubbly multiversal manifestation of life – she now speaks with all the wrath of a supercell thunderstorm.

    To Sunday’s surprise, Clotho’s anger is instantaneous, hair-raising and utterly debilitating. He cannot speak, he cannot move, and blood begins to ooze down his neck.

    Alpha’s audience chamber is no longer beautiful. It has been claimed by decomposing stumps and dead branches that have gone baby’s-breath brittle. The smell of Bradford pears in full bloom assaults Sunday’s senses; he gags on the taste of fish turned sour, urine and other pungent bodily fluids. Dense layers of dog excrement slowly segue into dark, rich humus rotting down, becoming soil; the ground is bare and wet underfoot, teeming with earthworms, beetles, mites and slugs. Sunday takes in a frantic gasp of air and swallows down the primordial ooze of a forest’s floor being devoured by fungi and slime mold.

    For the first time in Sunday’s long-lived existence, he is scared.

    He is terrified.

    It’s only now that he realizes the strongest being in the room is her.

    “We are leaving precisely because you are weak and will be killed in the crossfire. Your weakness is the reason why I can’t watch them try to kill each other, which already infuriates me.” Clotho is bright, too bright, so bright he feels as if he is being reduced to ash from the inside. “Be a good boy and follow Wednesday and I, if you know what’s good for you. I’d let you drop dead if you weren’t one of Alpha’s precious playthings.”

    …And speaking of Alpha, he lives everyday surrounded by love and luxury, his every whim made manifest by his Powers and subjects. He is respected, endlessly worshiped but then Kohana, who has known him for a handful of days, asks to fight him?

    Asks to fight God?

    This is beyond absurd.

    “You are given permission to die,” Alpha says in a fervor most grand, his arms outstretched to meet Kohana in rancorous rapture, “if that is your wish.”

    And perhaps this is the only rapture he knows, to destroy and be destroyed, to struggle, to subjugate, so dull life is without conflict, so meaningless death without dragging someone along down deep into the depths, for what satisfaction is there in dying alone?

  • iv.) and i could never find my way without you, but you’re already there / and we’ve come a long long way without maps in our hands.

    July 24th, 2018

    It’s my heart, my beast-heart where a girl’s heart should be, as red and open as any wound. I am free, feral, my smile too much like a snarl, bloody knuckles, apple rinds, hounds at my feet, the sweltering sun at my back like a halo. On all fours I hiss at the stars, hunt in my kingdom of flora and fauna with my head crowned in briars and the breath of jacaranda flowers. At night I make a bed of blackberries and branches, lying under the old, cold sky snorting and smelling like dirt, veiled in pink begonias with purple-bronze leaves for cover. I sleep by fire and eat bones and instead of talking I howl until the moon breaks. I quarrel and struggle until my voice grabs heaven by the throat and the earth quakes with my clamor.

    The day Juniper died was the last night of my girlhood. When I took Wren’s task of being on my own, developing my own consciousness about danger, becoming alert by myself, for myself, my mother died the same death. My first lesson under Wren’s tutelage: to let die what must die, there is something waiting for you at the edge of the woods, and your fate is to meet it. I watched my mother who walked with a scurry instead of a stride dwindle away, become thinner and thinner as she tried to make my life too safe. I let go of her hand, the glowing archetype of my ever-sweet, too-good mother. I had no pity. Her last breath crawled out like a clear, beautiful ray of sun on stones. I kissed her head. I couldn’t help myself.

    Wren was strict at first but she loved the primal energy of my name, the way it rolled off her tongue like violence. Names like mine walk on four legs during the boundaries between day and night.

    Kohana, the flower lion with all the mountains in the world, a creature of hint and nuance who flits by and is not easily seen in hard, clear light. For a year when the night was full of hard, bright stars I did nothing but serve Wren, wash her clothes, sweep her hut, sort the elements. When the moon appeared as a slender crescent, delicate and fine but firm in the promise of growth, I hunted the edges of the Earth. The woods resounded with the cries of beasts and the fishy deep shuddered where I walked. I was as certain as Death itself, the dark, thick, beast-filled forest where the unwary adventurer may lose not only his way, but his life.

    Only in the second year did Wren allow me to sleep beside her and begin my education. Is this the proper way to teach a girl? I don’t know.

    But I can tell you she bore several children. I know she carried weights too heavy for her back, and from her lungs I can tell you what she held back. I catalogued her being: tissue, fiber, bloodstream, cell, the shape of her experience, skin, hair, tried seeing what she saw, imagining what she felt. Despite each injury she survived. By the body of that old woman I was hushed. I was awed. It was from her body that I learned. In any prolonged experience of war, a soldier moves back and forth between life and death every hour of every day. I learned to endure Wren’s liminal space.

    “You have been my best student. I am proud of you.” Wren’s smile curls across her face like a rapier whipping against the side of an opponent, taking her thumb against my cheek as if rubbing away a smudge. It is the loving touch of a mother sending her child off on their first day of school. It catches me off guard. “This has happened a thousand times before, a thousand thousand times. Kohana, your bones are stubborn.”

    She gives me too much credit. I instinctively kept up appearances, worked at making good grades, acted as if my home life was normal. All my life I’ve followed the examples I saw in nature: animals wearing protective coloration so they don’t stand out, animals, when wounded or weakened, hiding their vulnerability to avoid becoming prey. While I can count on my physical courage and skill as a hunter, I feel no certainty about being welcomed home. Going back home, that’s a decision made by my heart, with hope that there will be a place for me now that I have proven myself here.

    …That my accomplishments in the wild will make my father proud.

    Under this hope the bigger hope: that my father will love me.

    My breath hitches as Wren pulls me close, something she has never done. She empties herself, weeping bitterly. When she pulls away her craggy face is wet with tears. I come away crying, too. “How frail, this human heart,” she says, her voice little more than a murmur. Her body moves like it doesn’t have any bones left to keep itself standing. “It is an exit wound. The bullet, the gun, the finger pulling the trigger. Yours is the death I cannot mourn.”

    But death is a part of my life, a part of who I am. I realize now that death and life cannot be separated. They are completely interwoven, an uroboros.

    “I’m not dead yet.” I smile sweetly, like a little child with a caramel. “I hope my death will be like the satisfaction at the end of a good book or play, when the whole story is tied together and it all makes sense. I wouldn’t give up so easily, don’t worry about me.”

    It is my indomitable spirit that devoted years mastering my craft in Wren’s wild. I roamed her land with only a bow and quiver of arrows I forged by hand. I can face danger. It gives me an adversary, something I can marshal my courage against. But to fade away, leave a gap in the world, disappear into oblivion without accomplishing something, anything—

    “Listen to me, Kohana.” She sways ahead of me, blurred, as the miles we cross begin to carry me into a half-dream, the sky and the perfumed spring air skimming along past my cheeks. “You have endured all my tasks to a full initiation. Nature does not ask permission. Blossom and birth whenever you feel Iike it, my little wolfling.”

    I move gently to and fro, pleased with the sound of rattles and timbrels of the outside world. From behind me comes gray wolves fawning on me, lions, bears, and fleet leopards ravenous for deer. I turn and smile as they wag their tails like dogs playing about their masters, pawing at me with their sharp claws. To my left I spy a rare mushroom half-hidden near the roots of a tree while Wren treads on, tossing a glance at me from over her shoulder.

    “The working of fate is an eternal becoming,” she says. My ears, attuned to every tone, every inflection, effortlessly picks up her voice in spite of the distance between us. “A weaving and creating, and to everything that is, fate assigns its part in life and its peculiar character. They spin the thread, tear it off, and determine what is to come. Everything that you are is fraught with destiny.”

    A smile breaks open on my face like a firecracker. “I am superior to my fate. I am stronger than my rock.” Hadn’t Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, known the full extent of his punishment? Hadn’t he put Death in chains? There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn. Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He, too, concludes that all is well. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing. “Flowers grow on boulders. I’ll accept stone when necessary.”

    Our wind-whipped trek brings us across a clifftop, the edges peaking slightly upwards like the crests of waves rolling endlessly below. Sea spray fills the air, and I feel as though I’m braving the ocean from the prow of a magnificent ship. “It’s beautiful here, Wren.” The surrounding landscape itself is a marvel of natural delights, blushing sea pinks and wildflowers dotting the springy coastal grass around my feet. There is something mesmerizing about watching water tumble off a rock face into a raging river beneath. The noise it makes, the sheer volume of the ocean. I throw my arms out and spin around, laughing.

    “My daughter,” Wren gently whispers to me. My cheeks quiver with barely held tears. I tell myself I’m not crying, though tears stream silently down my face.

    I open my mouth, and the ghost of my mother comes tumbling out. All I’ve ever wanted was to be wanted.

    “For so I hope I may call you my own girl. Can you measure to what extent the sky covers the Earth? Can you count the number of sand grains on a seashore? My love for you is as endless as the stars above. You should recognize my scent, my sound, my heartbeat. Not hers.” I wear the word love like a noose around my neck, knuckling away tears as they swell up. “Have I not given you happiness in my realm? Have I not given you everything you’ve wanted? Magic? Protection? Tell me you want to stay here forever, Kohana, and it shall be done.” When I don’t answer, Wren’s brows furrow and her voice turns thick and ugly. “When I call you daughter, I feel her fury as fierce as a thousand storms! But what can she do, the poor wretch? She is long dead, and I live. Daughter, daughter, daughter,” she chants, as if provoking my mother into appearing from the aether. “Don’t you want to be loved?”

    I open my mouth, and out comes a bird thrashing against a window. Love, that word deep inside of me, rippling like a pulse.

    I sob, a horrible, childlike weeping, huge gulps of air and sobbing, swallowing hurt whole. Isn’t love like this? Doesn’t love come running when you are small and broken and hopeless? Doesn’t love stab you in the heart and then ask what’s wrong, where it hurts? Love, easing me back from the brink. Love, tasting like a bruise. Brutal to love, more brutal to die, to die of love. I think I’ll never die, I’ll never stop running. Don’t I want to be loved?

    All that remains is a jutting cliff rock that looks as though at any moment it too could fall off tumbling down the side of the mountain. Wren’s breath smells like bundles of violets clutched to the breasts of dead maidens, of gauze stretched over noble profiles and coins pressed into eye sockets. I’m overwhelmed, pushed to the edge of existence.

    I fall through the elliptical orbit, the pull of gravity, the satellite motion. My mouth opens, a half note pushing the air, a quarter note traversing the earth. Startracks. Spiral nebulae. Craters of the moon.

    I close my eyes and think of space filled with the presence of mothers, where everyone is a daughter, where white-haired women ring with the laughter of old lady friends. I think about the space that danced under my broom when I swept Wren’s hut. The space that charged when I cleaned out Wren’s tub, the threading of needles, the storage of leaves in jars.

    I learned how to make time stand still, sometimes so very still that I had to wait to hear it move it again before I did.

    My breathing is shallow, quick, my skin crawling all around my body. I’m itchy, haunted by an uncontrollable urge to scratch at massive, expanding mosquito bites all over my hands. I can feel something writhing and moving beneath my skin, bursting through blisters on my fingers, licking the pus that oozes and then slurping it up, the noise like a toilet flushing or pigs frolicking in a slough.

    “Oh Aphelion, my dear girl, you are a magnet, and my heart is as true to you as steel.” I can almost hear these slick, slimy things scream, trapped underneath my fingernails thrashing about, fighting to live. “I shall make my absence as brief as possible. Not a day, not an hour, not a minute, shall I waste either in going or returning. I’ve brought the Summoner of Time, do you love me?”

    My legs feel numb, useless beneath me. My head is swimming, eyesight blurred by senses that can no longer be trusted to guide me. I’m a host to worms that gnaw and eat, growing, filling my insides until I cough and a wad of larvae falls out of my mouth coated in thick phlegm. I don’t know how I’m still standing, but I can hear Hiroyuki talking. No, not really talking. These aren’t proper words. They are nonsense sounds, word salad.

    Don’t you want to be loved?

    I look down, my hands like desolate cliffs, gnarled old trees chewed all the way around the trunk left with large, irregularly spaced and rough-edged holes. I am being eaten away, devoured by all these writhing, wriggling bodies tumbling out of my fingers, fat black furry worms falling to my feet. Most of them are dead, but a lot of them aren’t and they’re trying to crawl away. My heel slips on them, and my stomach sees the blood before my brain and my lunch catches in the back of my throat, my eyes unblinking, my brain reeling from lack of oxygen. Bright spots of light flash in front of my vision, blotting out the horror.

    I fall forward into Hiroyuki’s back, who turns with lightning reflexes and catches me in his arms before we collide, my eyes flickering open again. “Kohana, are you feeling well?” he asks, studying me with care. His eyes are like a lion’s, gorgeous. Impossible gold, molten gold. “You look pale, dear.” He gently lowers his lids before tossing an imperious, threatening glance over his shoulder. His is the glance of a tiger with a full belly, all bright with hate and hostility and happiness. “Did something happen in my absence?”

    I take Hiroyuki in one breath. Ripe earth, sky-wind, honeysweet depth and darkness, a graveyard enveloped in a veil of soft, dull mist. When he looks at me the world is bathed in a caramel hue under the still-setting sun. His eyes are keen, narrow, the afterglow of an angel’s halo.

    It’s hard to look away from him, but I have to. He’s too bright.

    Hiroyuki is light upon light.

    He is more brilliant than the light emanating from the sun, many times more powerful and radiant than the sun itself, yet I am not blind nor burned by him. What would a perfect rose look like? There would be no deficiency to it. No petals drooping. No lack of fragrance. No browning anywhere. How do we evaluate the perfection of a rose, or anything else? It is the absence of anything lacking. That is how perfect Hiroyuki is. He transcends the glory, beauty, and majesty of anything on Earth.

    “Last night was a trial. Schooldays can be cruel.” The tones of his voice are milky, vanilla-tinged. Listening to him reminds me of cracking open a lightly-caramelized crème brûlée. “You can rest here on the Aphelion for a while, if you’d like. I would prefer it if you did, in fact. You will need a physical examination, a psychiatric evaluation–”

    A blood-pumping panic pushes a sound out of my mouth: “No.” The sudden terror is so severe I choke on shallow breaths, my heart banging against my ribcage like a drummer hitting a thousand beats per minute. My hearing sharpens, my pupils dilate to let in more light, my muscles tense themselves for battle. “I’m fine.” There is fog everywhere. Fog in my throat, fog in my eyes. The fog is ghost-grey, melancholy. It crawls over me, a mirage that moves gossamer-fragile snagging and snaring every crag and tree until it forms the silhouette of a man I can hardly call my father. “I’m fine.” Behind him is an entrance up a steep, broad flight of stairs that leads to a church isolated and abandoned. “I’m fine.” The fog is almost smothering now. “There is nothing wrong with me.”

    My father is cold, vaguely threatening, a nocturnal whisper, an autumn rain. Hiroyuki is invisible in the silvery vapour, this blight so dense I can barely see my hands. I feel cut off from the world, my thinking fuzzy, sleepwalking through a life that doesn’t belong to me anymore. I stare into my father’s ghastly half-formed face, at his grey hair, at his proud, bent shoulders. My father, kinglike, a victim of his own inflated image using aggression to mask his vulnerability, only happy when he is locked in a power struggle he knows he can win. Even here he has the upperhand.

    I straighten my back, cover any evidence of internal weakness with the posture of an apex predator like I was taught. Looking at my father is like trying to maintain eye-contact with a shark.

    “I made sure you were fed everyday, had a place to lay your head, and gave you the clothes on your back. Why wouldn’t you be fine? I raised a perfectly good child. There is nothing wrong with you.” I am tired of steeling myself against the world, fighting back the only way I know how. Why is it so important to be so strong and powerful? What will happen if I’m not? Can I even imagine that? “If you are not strong, you are weak. It’s good to be strong and bad to be weak. It’s that simple, Kohana.” My father batters me with words on a whim, expecting total obedience; I fall apart when I lose my grip on everything around me.

    The fog gathers itself into a swirling funnel, a spiral of subzero light raging around me until it disperses without warning. I still can’t escape the echo of my father, the sound of scathing insults, disapproval so dense it thickens the air.

    “Allow me to change the subject,” Hiroyuki says, brushing some of his hair behind an ear. “I know Death well. Like a lover. Like an old childhood friend. I know the exact number of ants you have crushed beneath your feet on your way to my ship. I feel their infinitesimal deaths in my smallest finger.” “The Shadow you fought was an aspect of Death, an extension of itself that functions something like a foot soldier. You will encounter more ere long. Your planet is being overrun with Shadows, conquered by Death. Unfortunately, the two of us are not enough to stop the imminent invasion.”

    “And everyone else?” I arch a brow, having already anticipated Hiroyuki’s speech about how we have no choice but to retreat. “You can’t possibly expect me to leave trillions of people behind. I won’t. You can’t ask me to do that. I’d rather die. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself; what use would I be then?”

    “I would ask much and more from you.” It sounds like a choice but it isn’t. Stay in the tower. Bite the apple. Climb the beanstalk. Hiroyuki is no longer a man but a terrible dragon guarding its horde. I am his treasure, his king’s ransom golder than gold. “You are a Summoner, a cosmic weapon created by Celestial Beings who hail from the planet Spectra. Celestial Beings are direct descendants from the All Creator, the omnipotent God. Your connection with the All Creator is far more potent than my own, as the All Creator is bonded to your DNA, and omnipotence serges through every atom that makes you who you are. Celestial Beings consider you the All Creator incarnate, along with 7 others whose Almighty powers manifest differently from your own.”That very power thrums through my fingers like lightning sparking across a grey-blighted sky. My magic reacts to his words. “You are the Summoner of Time. Doubtless it is that you have already known this, or suspected your relationship with the abstract concept.”

    My lips part into a smug little grin. What kind of student would I have been if I had not discovered I exist in my own timeline under Wren’s tutelage?

    I am omnitemporal. My time has no intrinsic metric, whereas Hiroyuki’s time is physical. My time is completely distinct from Hiroyuki’s temporal sequence and cannot be captured by either temporality or timelessness. Me being the ‘Summoner of Time’ makes sense given Hiroyuki’s explanation, not that I ever doubted Wren’s wisdom for a second. “Are you trying to get me to admit I knew how to use magic the entire time?” I answer with some indignant pride. I frown, my cheeks puffing slightly. “Because of course I did. I didn’t want you to see it.”

    I didn’t want to share my magic.

    I didn’t want to tell him my secret.

    “When death steals into our midst, its breath flutters through the black crepe of mourning, nips at funeral wreaths and crucifixes, and ripples through the gladiola. There is a cemetery, a corpse, a sadness here. Profound loss is your perfume, a devastatingly beautiful and melancholic floral.” He smiles, and it is as full of pity as a well overflowing with rain. I stare, stricken by it, my eyes full of tears. They spring fresh from my eyes, roll down my trembling face. Hiroyuki is cold, cold and cruel. He knows. He knows. He knows. “Sometimes I look at you, Kohana, and see a ghost crying and sobbing into the night. In some sense I have failed. The Umbrakinetic has gotten to you first, and I cannot apologize for my incompetence.”

    He drops down on one knee like a knight showing obedience to a king, his long, thick voluminous hair tumbling down his back and shoulders, spreading out against the floor in graceful rivets. His heart bows before me in profound reverence, his gesture a sign of adoration, of divine acknowledgement. The sheer force of his adulation makes me tremble.

    “You must pry yourself from Death, Kohana.” Tongue-tied, tongue-numb, grief pounds over me in waves that leave me gasping. “It will be difficult, and I will continue to ask difficult things from you. I will not be kind. I ask that you forgive me now, so you do not bother yourself with such frivolities later.” I am so heartsick, so empty that I don’t think the world has ever been anything but dead. There’s never been any colour here, and if there has, I’m the only one who cannot see it.

    When I finally speak my voice is small and soft, almost a whisper. “What do you know about being empty?” I ask, spitting the last word at him. “What right do you have, to talk to me about grief!” My anger burns black, tears falling like blows onto the cold floor. “God made the universe? He couldn’t even make a joke! How am I supposed to live like this? The world broke my heart, and I’m supposed to believe you can mend it!” Like the universe I consist of empty space, completely dark, unimaginably cold, and I’m supposed to save it? I can’t help but gnash my teeth at the thought. “Wren isn’t the person you think she is. You don’t know her like I do. If she wanted to kill me, she would have done it a long time ago.”

    “Transmission incoming.”

    The voice of Hiroyuki’s ship interrupts our conversion and he rises to his feet with the sultry haze of late August, the grandeur of a Greek god. “Put us through, Aphelion.”

    “Hey ‘Yuki. Taking your sweet time coming home, huh?” A man with skin the color of aged brandy stretches across a holographic screen in front of us, his eyebrows arched in a noble, bemused way over smoke-lashed eyes. His hair is voluminous, flipped to one side to exaggerate that volume. “What’s the matter, not in a rush to see me in the flesh?” His curls run wild, bouncing with every turn of his head, shaped softly against his jawline for a flattering look. His voice is like honey mead and dark as molasses. “Thought you would’ve been here already. A shame, guess I’ll have to cancel our date.” He is astonishingly beautiful, his strikingly-fine features only second to the infallible charm and grace he carries himself with. He purses his rich, two-toned lips when he sees me, curious as kittens. “Oh? Whose lost little kid?”

    “Kid?” The word falls out of my mouth like broken glass, a clatter of incredulous syllables crashing down onto the floor. My upper lip twitches into a sneer. The glare I toss in this man’s direction is strong enough to break his neck in five different places. “Lost? I’m almost 16-years-old, and I know exactly where I am.”

    The man chuckles. It’s a mellow, tobacco-velvet chuckle. “Right. Whose almost-16-year-old kid?”

    “Come out of that screen and say that to my face–!”

    “–This is the Summoner of Time, D’ivoire.” Hiroyuki interrupts me and I shoot him a pointed, sidelong glance. His smile catches me off guard: the dimples in his cheeks, his dazzling teeth, the way his ear-to-ear grin turns his eyes into luminous crescent moons. I’ve never seen him so genuinely happy before. Whoever this man is, he has Hiroyuki absolutely enamoured. He has completely forgotten I’m in this room in spite of his words.

    “She’s adorable.”

    “You take that back! I am not adorable!”

    “–Or what? What are you going to do, rot my teeth with how cute you are? When you get to Spectra, we’ll see if you’re still swinging the same threats then.”

    Hiroyuki smiles up into D’ivoire’s beaming face. “No demure little cabbage, this girl. No paltry, well-behaved carbon dot. No follower of worldly orders. Quite the contrary.”

    I open my mouth to say something, but then old growth trees tower around me in every direction. Ravenous pitcher plants and magnolias cover spongy green moss, the sound of roaring rivers and gentle streams drowning out the cries of orangutans and Sumatran tigers. To my left there is a flowerbed of Peruvian lilies edged by pink begonias, a dug out stump lovingly filled with sword-shaped leaves contrasting the softness and brightness of bellflowers and butter yellow sundrops. With Hiroyuki at my back, we find ourselves in the middle of a dense rainforest. Hidden in a tuft of creaking wood on the forest floor, a choir of frogs greet us with booming croaks.

    “What kind of nonsense have you gotten yourself into this time, girl?” Wren’s voice is spine-tingling, all guttural thunder and sharp scalpel points.

    All-present, all-pervasive, Wren suffocates me with the liminality of her being, both here and not here with one hand around my throat and the other clutching the sinews of my heart with the grip of a python. “How the planet trembled when you threw your tantrum! I could feel your sorrow all the way over here, so potent it was that it shook several realms, too many dimensions to count.” I denied her love. I can’t imagine she is anything but cross with me. “If you would have but stayed with me this wouldn’t have happened. I always knew you were an ungrateful, selfish welp.” She pauses, smiling as demurely as a witch can manage. It is not a gentle smile or a kind one. “But your baba forgives you. You brought your Advisor to me wrapped up so pretty like a gourmet chocolate!” Wren puts one hand on her waist, the other picking at her teeth searching for leftover pieces of meat. “It’s been a while since I’ve eaten a Celestial Being. He’ll make a filling meal, honey-and-soy lacquered ribs! Imagine him all brown and sticky.”

    My throat feels like everything hard and dry, everything rock and dust. “He’s not for you,” I croak. The words feel like soot in my mouth.

    “You don’t apologize, you don’t bring me gifts, am I meant to wrestle him from you? Are you defending food, Kohana?”

    Hiroyuki isn’t threatened, rather, he still keeps his usual calm and amiability about himself. Here I am, trapped between two obscenely-powerful people with no conceivable way out. If I say the wrong thing Wren could explode, if Wren makes the wrong move Hiroyuki will no doubt hurt her. It’ll be a bloodbath if I wait any longer, but I dare not speak another word.

    Wren’s smile is distant, as though she thought of something amusing that happened a hundred years ago. “A bit too pretty to be an Advisor, hmm?” She laughs, a sound like glass breaking, or ice shattering over a running river. “What does a pretty thing like you know about maggoty woods and gunfire? Kohana is always in full movement. Always poised on the pinnacle of a drama, a problem, a conflict. In her sleep she twitches and rolls, even falls off the bed, sleeps half sitting up. She is a sword swallower. A fire eater. The storms of doubt, the quick cloudings of hypersensitivity, the bursts of laughter. The curtains continue to move after she leaves. Everything bears the brunt of her strength. Even now, the earth beneath her is being violently marshaled, challenged, forced to bloom.”

    “Knowing a great deal about the Summoner of Time does not and will not make you remotely qualified for my position as her Advisor,” Hiroyuki says in a tender, condescending voice, yet his serenity echoes in every spoken word and graceful movement. “How much you know about Kohana means nothing to me,” he adds, salting her wounds like a Multi-Michelin starred chef, seasoning her displeasure and making a meal of it. ”Did you think to intimidate me, knowing who and what I am?”

    A storm gathers in Wren’s eyes. The lightning strikes. She’s all wind and hail and thunder, a powerful downdraft hurling itself towards my Advisor. “You are nothing but a military dog. A mutt. A hound! Broken down to the atoms and then built back up again to be the Commander’s perfect little pet. A boot-licker. Leashed!” Each word carries the force of a tropical cyclone. Each word barbed, poison-tipped. Her pupils shrink down to slits, every pore of her shaking with hatred, gushing with it. “You have no autonomy of your own. You would crawl across the cosmos on broken hands and knees if it meant pleasing that bald cyclops. At least I am not beholden to my masters. I know exactly who I am, Hiroyuki D’Accardi.”

    Emotionally Hiroyuki is even-keeled and steady. He doesn’t even blink. “Do you now? I cannot imagine you have been honest with Kohana in any way, shape or form. My apologies.”

    “Oh, Hiroyuki. Our story is rooted deep down in my unconscious mind. I have heard this story a hundred times. You think you are living, and do not realize that you are being lived. And they are indignant if the storyteller doesn’t tell it in the right way. It’s just the same when you try to tell fairy tales to children. They are furious if you vary them. They interrupt you at once and say, ‘No, it is like that.’ They say you must tell it again. They want to hear it literally the same way. It is like a ritual.” Wren stops to look at me. This time her smile is kind. “I am the third, the inevitable, the terrible, because all that is manifested in time has an end as well as a beginning. The first is Clotho, the spinner. The second, Lachesis, the drawer of lots. When we next meet, I will not be kind to you, Kohana.” Then her anger dissolves in lamentations: “Oh those poor Summoners, the poor people you Spectrians take from me. I won’t let you have this one, I won’t.” Wren begins to weep. When Hiroyuki walks towards her he walks into her very being with his soft gait. He puts his arms around her, consoles her. “Kohana, do not abandon me. If you abandon me, I am lost.”

    “You’re dying.” Hiroyuki gives the word ‘dying’ a mellowness that makes the world glow, that gives a warmer colour to the windows of Wren’s hut, to the fences of skulls, to the wise old trees

    whose trunks are bunched and cracked as old womens’ spines. The sun seeps in. Everything is the colour of a tropical afternoon, a magnificent day of dawn and dayspring. Wren looks straight ahead, through and beyond the dark, eyes fixed, immobile like glass seeing her whole life flash in front of her. Then comes Hiroyuki’s laughter, creamy, comforting. “Face-to-face, at grips with your body. Eyes open upon Death. The noble thing to do is to be of comfort. I will not let you go alone, Wren.”

    Hiroyuki ends his phrases in a hum, as if he puts his foot on the pedal of his voice and creates an echo. In this way none of his phrases end abruptly. His steps drag a little, like a lazy devil enjoying the earth. “She is of the dead.” Hiroyuki sighs gently upon me, as though blowing out a candle. “She is dead, already dead, and this death will be final.”

    I feel my throat tighten, something gnawing at my stomach. A screech rips through my body, monstrous and alien, full of inhuman, bottomless grief. A screech so violent birds fall dead from their boughs and my ears ache to burst. My heart is nothing but a long, whirling scream.

    I shriek owl-shrill into the ground, my eyes spilling with tears. Screaming and sobbing and clawing through the dirt till my fingernails snap off and my mouth fills with snot. “Hiroyuki,” I whisper, my throat squeezing out his name like blood from a wound. “Save her. Please. Save Wren.”

    “Quiet, girl,” Wren snaps, crooking an eyebrow. My face burns with shame. I scratch my cheek, stare off into the distance. Anything to avoid her reprimanding gaze. “When have you ever known me to need saving?” And then she smiles, a real and tender smile, as from a grown wolf to a welp. “I thought your eyes were blue,” she says to Hiroyuki, tilting her head as if appreciating a work of art, “but I see now they are a strange and beautiful amber-gold. You glide when you walk.” Again Wren’s eyes clamp on me, and her lips part into a smug little grin. She puts a withered hand on my head, stroking my hair with a gentleness practiced on dozens of children. My breath catches, knots like yarn in my throat. “He is a fine Advisor.”

    Above me: the sky eating both of their voices.

    Above me: the stars eating all other sounds.

    I clasp my hands over my ears, screaming to drown it out. I start to tremble–as though the somber tones of their voices achieved a terrible resonance in my bones–and I shake into rubble.

    I stare into the darkness, feeling its substance, its limbs, its weight until a woman begins to materialize into view. Her wide black hat shadows her face like an eclipse, an index finger stretched against the length of an elegantly-crafted smoke pipe. What she exhales is an endless, wine-dark sea whose depths are strewn with stars and horned leviathans and secrets kept by unguessable fathoms. Molten gold glitters from the endless arch of void-black, newborn constellations spilling their milky light and bathing me in sequin-silver, polar-white. There is a breathing, pulsing familiarity in this smoke, like stepping into the cold witching hour, like hearing a story that can only be told when the night is blurred by a boozy cacao fog and the singing of cognac-filled cicadas.

    She tilts her head and a smile comes out of her marrow, raw and livid, a stare like a lion flicking its tail. She has a cruel mouth, her lips full, slaughterhouse red. Her cheeks are high, aristocratic, blushing a little. “Hello, kitty cat.”

    Her eyes are the same flickering color as mine, leaping and sparking. Pulsating irises, cat-slit pupils whose points are fiercer than teeth. She’s very tall, legs like a pilgrimage, and very, very beautiful, warm as the summer’s sun. I look at her and think of a lion that lazes and lies, ironic, considering there are huge cats lounging on every surface of this place, tigers and lynxes and panthers and leopards. The woman purrs contentedly when she sees me, a cheetah nuzzling its head with a soft thump against her shoulder, greeting me with a long, rough lick across its chops. I supposed I’ve always been a beast, curled and snarling in the dark.

    My voice is still and quick all at once, the expression on my face like stars suddenly appearing out of the yawning void. “….Kohana?” There it is, my name, blacker than the bottom of a well. My name so far from the sun that my heart is a backlit monstrosity, a heart-shaped, light-swallowing hole.

    She answers, a familiar, sweet chuckle from the abyss before drawing deeply on her pipe, a cloud of galaxy dust giving rise to knots that begin to collapse under their own gravitational attraction, hot cores gathering interstellar gas accompanying planetary systems. She tosses her voluminous mane of romantic curls, and they bounce about her face in an ombré of plum violet and electric purple.

    I’m afraid of her, I lay in abject adoration of her, as of God or an archangel. I stand stock-still in terror, knowing she will continue to exist even when the universe ceases to exist. Tears rush from my eyes like a spring from a rock wall, streaming down my cheeks. “Please,” I weep to the woman, my face swollen with tears, “what does this mean? Who am I? What am I meant to be? I don’t feel human anymore. What am I supposed to do with all this loss?”

    Her powerful shoulders square, hips flared provocatively, thighs in a feline crouch. The galaxies around us circle like cirrus clouds, reflecting brilliantly against her skinny-fit, vinyl pants. They’re high-rise, snug beneath a tight-laced corset. Around her neck, a ruff of fur bristles forbiddingly. She grins like a jungle cat who has just made a meal of a particularly fat vole, and I stare at her as vulnerable as a lamb beneath a wolf’s teeth. “Come here, girl.”

    I obey, how could I not? Her beauty is annihilating, lightning-edged, full of power and surety. I want to please her very much—but more, I want her to like me, to love me even, to tell me about how much we are alike.

    She laughs again, a long rippling laugh full of notes, almost a song. I was put on this earth to make her smile. I can’t stop wanting to make her smile, any more than you can stop walking on two legs or start breathing with your liver instead of your lungs. It takes a while, but I wrench my eyes away from her loveliness. My head cools and clears and smooths itself out.

    “Hiroyuki’s many things,” she begins, her face souring with annoyance at the thought of our dear Advisor, “most of them awful, but he isn’t a liar. You are the Summoner of Time. Your purpose in life is to pursue Death, to grasp it, uncloak it, and see it eye-to-eye, unblinking. Being the Summoner of Time is an unforgiving call to perfection. A direct confrontation with meaning, identity, and the end. It is your birthright.”

    Her beast of a cat licks her cheek fondly while my attention sharpens to a point.

    I draw close to her, furious as a child throwing a tantrum. “I can’t even have my life but you want my death, too?” Anger crawls from my stomach and into my lungs. There is sorrow there as well, howling through my windpipe, clawing at my diaphragm. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! You want me to be a martyr, a blood-bound sacrifice for other people…” Slowly, the older version of myself puts her arms around me and I weep bitterly into her bosom. It all comes tumbling out of me, my old, sad wounds, my incalculable loss. With a choked sob I pry myself away, my anger reigniting. I don’t know what to call this feeling in my chest, so bitter and sour. “I’m supposed to save everyone, everyone, but who saves me?” my heart whispers, “who is my hero?”

    “Think about how many doctors are dead after furrowing their brows over the sick,” she says gently, “about how many heroes are celebrated after killing thousands. One man after burying another has been laid out dead, and another buries him. All ephemeral, gone long ago.” The kindness in her voice is replaced by something hard and old and strong, her eyes two swords drawn in my direction. “I suppose generals are always foolish, no matter how dazzling the host they command. Already you are a tired-out, battle-fatigued soldier, but this is only the beginning. You have to be your own hero. So caught in your own hero-worship that you have no idea how to use your own inimitable gifts.”

    “Don’t you talk to me like that, don’t you talk to me like I’m just a child–!”

    She slaps me hard across the face, my lip splitting like a twig. I spit blood on the ground, staring at her like a dazed animal. Her cat yawns so wide its eyes bulge and its white teeth show sharp. It licks its dark muzzle.

    “Who do you think you’re talking to like that?” Her voice is utterly cold, a foul wind through the feathers of a dead crow. “Surely not I, surely not the superior version of yourself.” I take my wounded lip into my mouth, the metallic tang of blood heavy on my tongue. The gnash is deep, my flesh torn clean in two by the blow. Ripping a bit of fabric from my sleeve, I apply pressure to my mouth to staunch the bleeding. “Poor thing. You don’t have to glare at me like that. Someone was bound to slap some sense into you eventually and be less merciful about it, I’d imagine.”

    I open my mouth to protest but think better of it, biting back spite and scathing insults. Instead I arch a brow and meet her fury with a question: “Is that what this is? We’re here now just because you wanted to hurt me?”

    She looks at me, a little shamefaced, a little defiant. She’s so mischievous, so physical with her emotions that I envision a tail whipping back and forth behind her. Her smile returns, more narrow, more sly than before. “Watch.”

    In an instant we’re a hair’s breadth away from each other, unbearably close. I gasp as she takes my hands in hers, the space between our skin shivering, crackling, the spacetime continuum ripping itself apart. Existence itself cannot handle the strain of our touch, rippling in ear-splitting agony until I tear my hand away from hers. My ears are bleeding. “You are 15-years-old. I stand before you, nearly forty, an older version of you. You may not remember, but this is not the first time you have talked to an alternate version of yourself. I suppose you could say me standing before you confirms your own immortality.”

    “So you’re just going to ignore the fact that I’m bleeding because you can’t be normal for five seconds?”

    “Normal?” she laughs. “We’ve never been normal. You are what Stellaria call a ‘Universe Shaper.’ They are some of the oldest and most powerful beings in the multiverse, and as such, they’re probably the only ones who could begin to classify your abilities.”

    “Meaning?”

    “Meaning you can manipulate the very reality around you however you see fit. You’re obviously way more powerful than the Stellaria. Powerful enough to even, say, pluck your adult self from the space-time continuum, a faster, stronger you to train you, to protect you.” I purse my lips as best I can at her, my hands on my hips. She runs one hand luxuriously along a leopard’s spine, amused with my incredulousness. It licks its paw nonchalantly. “You’re also what the Stellaria call a ‘Multiverse Constant.’ That means you are so powerful you are essentially a lynchpin for the multiverse, one whose power ties it all together, and that it cannot exist without. In other words, you may not have been born until a little over a decade ago, but you’ve always been a part of the multiverse.”

    “So that’s it, then? You’re supposed to save me?”

    “If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be here.” She crosses her arms across her chest, loudly indignant. I can’t seem to get a read on her. “I had business to attend to, and now Alpha is going to wonder where I am. Vanished, right in front of him. Poof, gone. Just like that, thanks to you.” Her leopard’s pink tongue flops out between sharp teeth. “Though if you wish to stay here forever I don’t mind. Cats are good at waiting, but.” A feline smile stretches across her face in overly-satisfied triumph. I scoff. “If you want to leave, if you want to live, think of everything bad that has ever happened to you.”

    And why would I not have listened?

    Why would I not sprint towards the exit?

    Something ancient unravels my body, ripping a scream from the very bottom of my being that sounds like shoulders breaking. I choke, I moan, every pore of me thrumming, open, shaking. Thousands upon thousands of gleaming black crows fly from my mouth, soaring up and out like an exhalation of dark angels heralding the Apocalypse, their wings wild and half musical as the sunlight catches their feathers, glowing deep violet against the pale sky.

    A whirlpool of dead branches snap and lash around my body. I’ve become a black hole absorbing all light and life, drowning all in a sea of evil, devouring myself in my own darkness.

    “Do you sense that monstrous guilt, Advisor?” Wren asks Hiroyuki, her smile wide and wicked, the cruelness of victory on her cracked, full lips. “Have you ever seen an epilogue as a prologue? Hah! Of course not. I was certain our little koshka would die under the strain of this. No matter.” She snorts at having caught my Advisor off guard, giving herself a congratulating slap against her belly. “What a feat that would have been, taking your precious Summoner of Time right from under your nose! Even you must admit I’m good.”

    “It is impressive, to be sure,” Hiroyuki answers with his carefully patient voice, raised up a register and sweetened, cultivated to calm the elderly, like talking to an irascible child. “However, I need not rely on Kohana’s resilience when I know you still care deeply for the girl.”

    “You know,” Wren says thoughtfully, “perhaps I spoke too soon. After all, the Shadow has yet to emerge.”

    The Earth battles against me, against the waves of destruction exploding from my body, whirling, churning, devouring. The bitter reek of sticky blood and lingering decay clogs my nostrils, heavy, sickening. It happens all at once, the soot black hand forcing its way through my eye socket like a flower in full bloom thirstily reaching for the sun.

    I screech with pain, burning, searing, each new heartbeat something to fight against, to stay conscious through. “This Shadow is my magnum opus,” Wren continues, “I’ve named it Ananke, after my mother. No images, no words can easily represent her because, in some sense, she’s unthinkable! Ananke is the void I’ve mined from your precious Summoner, the dark logic out of which the universe is spun. She is irrefutable, indefinable otherness.”

    Death, the absolute form of necessity, frees itself from my body. This Shadow is born of all my dread and despair and desperation. With a hand pressed taut against my empty, gushing eye-socket, I stare into the inescapable, the inevitable, the beyond my comprehension.

    “Men are not built to be gods,” comes Wren’s thunderous voice, walking towards the monstrosity she’s unleashed upon Earth with her arms thrown open. “They are not meant to take in the whole world. They are built like other creatures, to take in the piece of ground in front of their noses. Gods can take in the whole of creation because they alone can make sense of it, know what it is all about and for. But as soon as a man lifts his nose from the ground and starts sniffing at eternal problems like life and death, the meaning of a rose or a star cluster, then he is in trouble! Man cannot get rid of his nature even if he throws it away, even if he tries to throw it to God.”

    A cold shudder runs through me as the Shadow, several metres tall, grabs Wren with a colossal hand. My head reels, pulpy chunks of flesh and viscous goop seeping into my good eye, clouding my vision.

    “Fate is three women,” Wren begins, her voice rich and wise like aged cognac swilled by philosopher-kings. I stare at her through growing tears. I don’t understand. I will never understand. “The first made young so that she has the courage to be cruel, a rose of no man’s land, a rotten, faded flower. One old but older still, the spicy scent of fallen leaves, the bitter scent of damp tree branches evocative of a different time, of days gone by. The oldest: the colour grey, stimulation in grey, liaisons in grey and everything in a grey abstract scope–an ever-lingering ghost. When they are at their work they become dogs, wolves, hounds of death, hounds of joy.” Wren laughs, her smile broad and beautiful, her dark eyelids rippling slightly like the surface of a pond under the moonlight. Her face breaks into wrinkles, her cheeks wet with tears. “They take the strands of life in their jaws and sometimes they are careful with their jagged teeth, and sometimes they are not. Kohana Ohuang-Zhùróng, my dear-as-diamonds, my forever-treasure-trove, our story is one of Necessity, and all round it the wolves of fate run, and run, and run. Nothing can occur without them, but they take no sides.”

    I’m half swooning with horror as the Shadow vomits sticky black from its wide, grinning mouths, greeting me with a shrill laugh. I cling to Hiroyuki, whimpering hysterically, sobbing out an incoherent stream of words. When I call out for Wren the Shadow groans, a shock of syllables sinking its claws into Earth’s crust. When the Shadow finally releases Wren, she collapses to the ground in an inert mass of mangled flesh wrung out like a wet cloth.

    My screams dissolve into peals of hysterical laughter.

  • iii.) i’m drowning here on solid ground / i’ll step lightly lest I grow tired of the search for the cure for apathy, was it her?

    June 28th, 2018

    Bad girl. Bad wolf. Bad dog. These men do not like it when I sniff at them. They think me an orphan wolf pup who rolls and plays in the clearing, heedless of the ninety-pound bobcat approaching from the shadows. They make all my grotesqueries ‘pretty’: soft cherry cola lips, bubblegum voice, strawberry lemonade cheeks, delicate, delicate hands. Among animals there is a psychic dance between predator and prey. If the prey gives a certain kind of servile eye contact, and a certain kind of shiver that causes a faint rippling of the skin over its muscles, the prey acknowledges its weakness to the predator and agrees to become the predator’s victim.

    I look up at them for answers, my eyes wide, innocent.

    “Ain’t she,” one man begins while taking a staggered step back, his speech slurred, his eyes bloodshot, “ain’t she? Pretty?” His breath smells of boiled rotten eggs, a burning match, raw sewage. “We hit the fucking jackpot.” He belches and it hits high on my palate. Any human would clench their throat closed, gag and retch for air. With one eye open he leans in closer, his grip loosening on the 40oz bottle he’s holding. He squints at me after stumbling back and forth, perhaps seeing double. “Like one of ‘em dolls.”

    His companion looks at me like I am a deer he has chased for miles during a seasonal shortage.

    I do not blame him. Wolves live a ‘feast or famine’ existence. We survive on the less fit, the most vulnerable of the deer population. The very young, old, sick, injured, the nutritionally compromised. He leers at me because he knows he can catch me.

    “Can’t be no older than fourteen,” his equally-intoxicated companion says, the sound of his words running into each other. There are deeply-inflamed abscesses on his face filled with pus a few centimetres in size. He is enormous, standing at roughly six feet, nine inches. He wears pounds of muscle like armour, perfectly curved with visible popping veins. He could break a chain tied around his chest. He could lift me with one arm. “Imagine how much money she’ll make us.”

    I was the bone on the road waiting for them. I have the luscious stink a dog can hardly refuse: creamy coconut and delicate pink rose petals. I rolled out of bed and directly into vats of caramel and vanilla-sugar dust.

    “Whaddaya say you work with us? Be a good girl and say yes, or things’ll get ugly real fast,” the bigger one says, hoping to intimidate me with his musculature. A wise provision of nature ordains that woman shall be sought. She flees, and man pursues. Woman is endowed with a sense of shame, an invincible modesty, her greatest protection, and her greatest charm. ‘Sweet’ only makes the predator smile. I have attempted to follow the orders of my predators, but I can only comply for so long. I am not afraid of the darkest dark. I am not afraid of offal, refuse, decay, stink, blood, cold bones, dying girls, or murderous husbands.

    I am no longer naïve. I am no longer a mark or a target.

    “It’d be a shame if I had to knock out them pearly teeth.” And what big teeth I have. Extremely sharp so I can sheer meat away from bones, so I can grind them, crush them. They come with killer instincts, and senses so precise I can hear their beating hearts, their guttural breathing.

    He stares at me, openmouthed, slack-jawed, empty-eyed. When he reaches towards me, a twisted smile stretches across his face.

    “Ain’t no girl looking like that going to let herself get cornered into a dead-end alley by two guys three times her size,” the man holding the bottle says, wobbling around me. His brain is unable to communicate well with his legs. “This one is experienced, she ain’t even put up a fight. See, watch.”

    He takes one last swig of his drink, feeling the burn as it coats his larynx on its way down, resting like a fire in his stomach. He punches me in the face. When he pulls his fist back, it is bowed at the wrist like a banana, having shattered all the bones in his hand. What he sees turns his blood to icy slush. His shriek is the raw sound of panic, fear, and disbelief. It lasts until he runs out of breath. He tries to suck in more air and begin again, but before he can his gut churns, caves inwards. Waves of nausea force bile into his throat. My mouth is full, overflowing with saliva.

    I could have punched him back. He would have died before he felt it. I would have knocked the atoms out of him. The protons. The neutrons.

    He looks back at me, his bulbous stomach bouncing as he starts to giggle from mania. He continues laughing, his chuckling turning into a loud cackle. “You worthless fucking cunt!” His face sours as he spins to look at me. “Kill this stupid bitch, Lyam!” Every hair on his companion’s body stands on end. His legs become jelly, his nerves rattling, his hands shaking. He walks towards me, each step a hesitation. As he gains confidence, he swallows the lump in his throat, afraid of what might happen if he doesn’t do what the other man says. “Kill her! Kill her!”

    Before either of these men were born, I was carrying solar systems on my back and destroying them with a single sneeze. God feared I would break heaven. I could shatter a black hole.

    Chords of muscle bulge in Lyam’s neck as I strike, ripping his flesh with my teeth, shredding skin with my paws. The drunkard sees the rippling of my muscles, the snapping of my canines, and the desperate look in Lyam’s eyes, the hollow, beastly expression on my face. He can hear every growl of aggression, every grunt. His eyes grow wider, wider, focused entirely on my bloodied teeth, my smirking mouth. “What the fuck, she’s not human! There’s no way she’s human, we gotta get out of here Lyam, forget it, forget this shit! Lyam! I don’t want to die Lyam!”

    Lyam’s ears are torn, his hair soggy with blood. His thick body strains for breath in great heaving sighs. I stare at the other man from over Lyam’s shoulder. His eyes are fixed rigidly on me.

    I do not require the nutrition that human flesh provides, I eat because I simply enjoy it. My pleasure is purely gustatory. Does a corpse have the right not to be eaten? A corpse is no different in kind from any other dead body. When someone eats you, you eat them back. When someone treats you like meat, you owe it to them to treat them the same, and eat them. By killing these men, I will make this world better than I found it.

    I snap my jaws shut with terrifying strength. Blood pumps from Lyam’s neck like water from a hose. The trees around us are moving, clawing at the clouds, scratching at the noxious air as if jerked by subterranean horrors writhing and struggling below their black roots. A salty tang fills the air. It speaks of years and years of dried and matted blood, of old rotten meat, the dark breath of corruption.

    I reach into his throat and pull his tongue free. It is slimy, covered in yeast. I hold it for a moment, letting it dangle from my hand, admiring it before I open my mouth and pull it away with my teeth, certain the other man can see. With both hands I feed the tongue into my mouth and begin to chew. Human tongue is a muscle, just like more common cuts of meat such as lamb shank, filet mignon or flank steak. It is much fattier, and mild. I have hunted every animal but there is no flesh like man’s. It is sweet, more subtle than game, a little softer in texture. No person with a palate of ordinary, normal sensitiveness could distinguish it from veal.

    The drunkard’s breath comes out in sharp gasps as he watches me feast on his friend. The fear of his own death is so close he can smell it, taste it. It is the sudden clarity of that fear that turns his body to stone. Lyam’s head clings to the body, tethered to his spine by threads. His detached head swings back and forth, hitting me in my lower back as I carry his remains to the man who fills the sky with his screams. His face dangles to the cadence of my footsteps. I’ve already eaten half of it.

    Humans have been taught that death is always followed by more death. That is not so. Death is always in the process of incubating new life, even when one’s existence has been cut down to the bones. Rather than seeing the archetypes of Death and Life as opposites, they must be held together as the left and right side of a single thought. While one side of the heart empties, the other fills. When one breath runs out, another begins.

    There is nothing of value without death. Without death there are no lessons, without death there is no dark for the diamond to shine from.

    Death must have her share.

    ★

    Bone by bone, hair by hair, the She-Wolf comes back. Through night dreams, through events half-understood and half-remembered, She comes back. She comes back through a story about a woman who is a wolf who is not a woman. No matter where she goes, there are wolves.

    All stories are about wolves. In them there is escaping from wolves, fighting the wolves, capturing the wolves, taming the wolves. Being thrown to the wolves, throwing others to the wolves so the wolves eat them instead of you. Running with the wolf pack. Turning into a wolf. Turning into the head wolf.

    I cannot die, I am an indestructible aspect of the wild. My wolf bones are forever. I make and remake myself by hand.

    I am inscrutable. So powerful that I do not owe allegiance to the Devil or God or even to my storytellers. I am the ultimate tester and judge, the decisive figure of this story that turns the plot in the direction I want it to go. Do not delude yourself into thinking there is an easy way to reconcile conflicts, reader. By chance or choice you have ended up here. Every word is a test. Pay attention.

    Where I walk, the smell of mud and the breath of the All Creator follows. I am looking for a girl without beginning or end. I can track her by smell alone, by the swell of her lungs, by the way her feet strike the earth. I am old beyond time, older than oceans, an inimitable and ineffable force, once dead, revived. No matter how sick, how cornered, how alone, afraid, or weakened, the She-Wolf continues. I would run towards her with a bounding stride even with two broken legs.

    I make my way down a pedestrian-only sloping lane free of the overhead power lines that mar the rest of Kyoto. The streets are lined with traditional wooden-façade tea houses, cafés and stores selling locally made crafts and souvenirs, the stone stairs lined with old machiya townhouses. I flash across the minds of those I pass on the street, a mix of indistinct shadows of recollection, an unaccountable memory of old foreign chronicles and ages long ago. Passerby become sleepy, lie down, fall asleep, forget.

    They have felt Death’s breath against the back of their necks. They have braved the clutching forests, the marching trees, the roots that trip, the fog that blinds. They are heroes with no more room to place their medals. And who can blame them? They want to rest. They deserve to rest for what they have been through, and so they lie down. They will lie awake all night longing to be brought back to me, wondering what life might be like without the experience of longing for anything at all. I am the deep drought of oblivion washing their memory, measureless in sweep. I will leave them nothing to reminisce about for eternity.

    “Excuse me.” This girl holds tight to her memories, knowing I am a single moment, whole epochs, the ambiguous state of betwixt and between. She grabs me by the hand, pulls me closer. “Would you like a bouquet?” My body remembers, my bones remember, my joints remember. Memory is lodged in my body like a sponge filled with water. Anywhere my flesh is pressed, wrung, even touched lightly, a memory flows out in a stream.

    She is the Earth. Field, grapevine. I deny spring. I am a polar night, mid-November and the end of January. She offers me a fiery mix of texture and colours, bursts of orange roses and golden craspedia sparking fire amongst the cool blue tones of thistles, every petal, every leaf beckoning.

    The girl smiles, and a breath of scented air comes from the hilltops and steals through the branches. “What, don’t you like flowers?” She looks lovely and round and as though drizzled with sunrise. Biting into her would be like breaking open sweet candy running with juice.

    This girl is all the things that most mean spring.

    “I should have picked a cooler arrangement. You have the grace and stoicism of winter. These are too warm for your chilled bones.” She hums while putting the bouquet back into her flower cart. “I take it you don’t talk much. It’s hard to carry a conversation by myself, you know. Here, I’ll introduce myself first. My name is Juniper. What’s yours?”

    This body is a multilingual being. It speaks through its color and its temperature, the flush of recognition, the glow of love, the ash of pain, the heat of arousal, the coldness of non-conviction. It speaks through its constant tiny dance, sometimes swaying, sometimes a-jitter, sometimes trembling. It speaks through the leaping of the heart, the falling of the spirit, the pit at the center, and rising hope.

    Juniper is familiar. Her eyes are the smell of the grass after it has been cut. They are the feel of leaves, vibrantly alive. They slide through my hands like cool silk. They feel like a tire swing in the woods with a sunbeam for a rope. I have met her before. I know those cat-slit pupils.

    I feel my soul drawn to her. Who are you really, how are you put together?

    I watch, I feel, I record. I close my eyes and respond deeply to the color of her smile. “I am looking for someone.”

    When I open my eyes again, I am standing beneath a yew tree split into several separate stems, giving the impression of several smaller trees. Like me, it has survived the ravages of time. The yew is male, but the sex of the tree is changing from male to female as a result of environmental stress. One of the small branches on the outer part of its crown bears a small group of berries. Its vast canopy spreads over broken gravestones, shading the mounds and furrows of the dead. Part of the tree has been savaged by the wind, cold to the touch and damp, like meat or dead flesh.

    I look ahead, peering into more time than space, human skulls gleaming in sunset glow, mounted on poles thrust from neck to cranium. One of the skulls is new, still moist. On the ground beside them lay a great many more skulls, sawn off just below the eye sockets and fastened with rawhide for use as drinking cups. I bite clues down out of the air, filling up my lungs with the smells at ground and shoulder level, tasting the air to see who has passed through it recently, my ears rotating like satellite dishes, picking up transmissions from afar.

    “Over here, silly.” Her hair: the smell of lavender. Her voice: the texture of velvet. This is her, the one I have been hunting. My body trembles at her wild patience. I have come for her from the other side of the Earth.

    It is a mistake to think it takes a muscle-bound hero to have the tenacity to stay with me. It takes a heart that is willing to die and be born and die and be born again and again. She is not afraid to relate to the beauty of fierceness, the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of the not-beautiful. She is my quintessential wild lover who goes beyond running away. She pushes beyond the desire to find herself safe.

    She weeps, her tears of passion and compassion mixed together, for herself, for me. She weeps after the accidental finding of treasure, after the fearful chase, the facing of herself, the stripping down to the bones. We love each other in fullest form, a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many many endings and many many beginnings—all in the same relationship.

    “I have waited a long time for you. Here, take my heart and bring yourself to life in my life,” she says. Everywhere she goes I follow, into her home, into her consciousness. Stop running, face the wound, give me your heart, the great drum, the great instrument of the wild. I take the heart drum. She gives me the knowledge of the most complicated rhythms and emotions imaginable. Who knows what we will hunt together? We will be nourished to the end of our days.

    She hits the ground with a great force from the impact of my body colliding with hers. I let out a loud, savage cry, the scream of a wild animal, as Juniper’s shrieks spike into high-pitched bursts. “Wren?” With a swipe of my claws, I slit her throat open and get a face full of arterial spray. My fingers rip through her sternum and I bend her ribs out until they sing, split. “Wren!” I rip a piece of flesh from her mangled arm, fresh gore dripping from my face in globs. “I did what you asked, I brought her here—” My teeth tear into her neck, my mouth filling with blood as she chokes and gurgles a sob. “Please.”

    “Aren’t you devouring and devious!” This woman, Wren, is both a crower and a cackler. She has more animal sounds than human ones. Her whiskers sense the future, she has the far-seeing milky eye of the old crone. She lives among particularly dense, wooded growth, her hut the entrance to death. Protecting the house are death totems: a fence of human bones, spikes of human skulls with staring eyes, human legs for doorposts. Her home is a place of change and peril, where she acts as either a challenger or a helper to those who venture into her realm.

    Unlike other villains who may be defeated once, never to be heard from again, Wren is not conquerable in a permanent sense. When she is defeated, she goes not to her death, but appears in the next chapter, a consistent thread in the tapestry of Division by Zero, weaving its threads together regardless of her fate.

    “You feast on thunder, on lightning, how is it that you found your way to my forest?” Wren is old. Very, very old, like a woman come back from dust, old like old river, old like old pines at timberline. She laughs with her entire body, her frail, big, short-legged, short-stocked, spotted body. “It’s like you though, preying upon the innocent and the unguarded, killing to kill, never knowing when enough is enough. You kill much more than you could ever eat, much more than you could ever need.”

    This old woman stands between the worlds of rationality and mythos. She is the knucklebone on which these two worlds turn. This is an inexplicable place I recognize, but its nuances slip away and shapeshift as I try to pin it down. I can smell Wren’s ravenous hunger, see her physical separation from the norms of society, taste her ancestral mother-lines in the underworld. This was my task, to return through the mists of time to the place of the Mother of Witches. Wren was expecting me.

    “Sit down, Isleen Tchaikovsky.” She motions towards a moss-covered tree stump invaded by worms, infested with maggots. “I am going to tell you everything that will ever happen to you. Come on, then, find your knees.” My eyes scan the ground, my hearing sharply tuned, searching under, searching over, searching for a clue, a remnant, a sign of the one I am hunting.

    Wren peels the scalp of a severed head with a knife, cracking the head open on a nearby outcrop of rock. She scoops out the brains, chops them, and throws them into a piping hot cast-iron skillet with olive oil, sliced onions, and peppers. The sound of bones crackling and the sizzle of fat makes my mouth water. God ordered the Earth: You will give birth to people and you will devour them; whatever you give birth to, you will eat, as it is yours. “You must first understand what happened at the beginning in order to know where you are going now, and why. It starts like this: you, my little crumb, are evil. You need no motivation and hardly any occasion. Your very situation as the fearless antagonist against Omnipotence makes you either a fool or a hero.”

    “If I must contend, best with the best.”

    Wren’s smile cracks across her face like a fissure tearing through the Earth. “You come here, fierce as ten Furies, terrible as Hell. The Earth trembled as you strode! What you cannot conquer by force, you will most assuredly capture by subterfuge.”

    “Wren, you are going to kill her, right?” Juniper’s voice is sweet, singsong. She smiles kindly at Wren, but will gnash her teeth like a brute behind her back later. “You saw what she did to me. She hurt us both, she deserves to die.”

    “Of course I saw, do you think I’m blind? Hah!” Wren shows Juniper her teeth, snaps and demands she keep up. Wren is fearsome. She represents the power of annihilation and the power of the life force at the same time. To gaze into her face is to see eyes of blood, the perfect newborn child and the wings of angels all at once. I accept this woman, wisdom, warts, and all. Though she threatens, she is just. She will not hurt me as long as I afford her respect. Respect in the face of great power is a crucial lesson.

    “Dearest Juniper, this is she who lives at the end of time, she who lives at the edge of the world. She is called, in Hungarian, 0, Erddben, She of the Woods, and Rozsomdk, The Wolverine. In Navajo, she is Na’ashje’ii Asdzaa, The Spider Woman, who weaves the fate of humans and animals and plants and rocks. In Guatemala, among many other names, she is Humana del Niebla, The Mist Being, the woman who has lived forever. In Japanese, she is Amaterasu Omikami, The Numina, who brings all light, all consciousness. In Tibet she is called Dakini, the dancing force which produces clear-seeing within women. And it goes on. She goes on.”

    Wren knows my past, my ancient history, and keeps it recorded in stories. She lives beneath and yet on the topside of the Earth. She lives in me, through me. I am surrounded by her, the deserts, the woodlands, this forest. “She is like me!” Wren proudly makes the comparison. “A liminal deity par excellence, dwelling between the world of the living and of the dead, who has female, male, and animal characteristics, abilities of transformation, and is dual. Both terrifying and beneficial.”

    Wren offers no comforting pats on the back, but extends her gnarled, clawed hand. Her features are exaggerated, her hut is both tomb- and womb-like. Both her appearance and her actions are the embodiment of ambiguity and paradox. She is accompanied by fragments of body parts recombined into unusual compositions. A fence of human skulls. A door lock made of a jaw with sharp teeth. This reduction to substance symbolizes her all-encompassing, universal nature. She is more myself than I.

    Juniper is afraid to bite back, afraid to speak up, to speak against. Sick, sick stomach, butterflies, sour stomach, cut in the middle, strangled, too nice, too meek for revenge. Afraid to stop, afraid to act, repeatedly counting to three and not beginning.

    “Yes.” I vocalize my approval of Wren’s words, the tilt of my head clinical. “You are Wren, mighty earth goddess with dominion over life, over death, regeneration, time, and the elements.” I take my gaze towards Juniper, close to tears, trembling like white noise, television static. “You are puny.” What I say is true, so Juniper says nothing. “With frail hair and inability to leap up, the inability to chase. I do not see through two eyes. I am the starry night, I see the world through thousands.” The stars above successively disappear, from left to right.

    “I want to leave. I did what you asked. Why won’t you let me leave?”

    “Some things are God’s business!” Wren laughs, and it is the laugh of the dangerous, the uncontrollable and the uncomfortable, the forbidden, the terrible, her breasts knocking against her knees. When she is done delighting in Juniper’s discomfort, she pulls her pinched, wrinkled, sullen face back on carefully. “The littlest fly on a lump of goat shit interests me more than what you want. I have to make sure things happen the way they happen. You know your arm will move before it does.” Her gaze is practiced, amiable. She holds both her arms wide in a gesture of motherly love. “Life is a punishment. You are God pretending that you are not, reliving the same life over and over and over and over again until you have gotten it right.”

    “And you,” Wren begins, bringing her wild gaze to me. “Patience. You’ll meet Kohana soon enough, volchitsa.” Kohana. My little sun, my pale gold, Koshychka. It is impossible for two people to be each other without destruction of personality bounds, by rending flesh and at last by death. She has reinvigorated me through the sheer force of longing. It is her intolerance to loss that has made me liminal. Every moment has become a search for her.

    I gnash at Wren, foaming at the mouth like a mad dog, and gather Kohana to me with greedy jealousy. This is an act of consumption, of consummation. I want to merge myself with her, to sever myself from Wren, from my storytellers, from God. I cannot look down. Her features are in every cloud, in every tree, filling the air at night and caught by glimpses in every object by day. I am surrounded by her, the most ordinary faces of men and women—my own features—mock me with a resemblance. The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she does exist, and that I have lost her time and again. Yet, when I open my eyes, she disappears. Every element of the physical world signifies Kohana but I cannot see her.

    Kohana is an existence of mine beyond me.

    “I understand.” The pity in Wren’s voice plucks me from my hallucination.

    Wren sees me for what I am, the immemorial violence with which a body becomes separated from another body in order to be, always haunted by the other, to divide, reject, repeat without one division, one separation, not yet, no longer yet.

    “She permeates all words with nonexistence, with a hallucinatory, ghostly glimmer,” Wren continues. “You have my promise, Isleen. She-wolf, she-tiger. A pitiless, wolfish girl with a half-civilized ferocity. One hope within two wills, one will beneath, two overshadowing minds, one life, one death, one annihilation. I will take you to her. Juniper and I, we are part of a three-fold form. Girl, Woman, and Widow. We reflect the complexities of the human psyche, as well as the cycles of life and death experienced by all who dwell in the multiverse.”

    The number three is important in this story. The Mother, the Maiden, the Crone. The Echonianetic, the Equilinetic, the Umbrakinetic. Juniper and Wren, they are like Cerberus. Three heads.

    All the color drains from her Juniper’s face. She fights off a dead faint. She knows what is coming next. “The person you seek was once in love with Juniper, some few years ago,” Wren mentions offhandedly, biting into a half-cooked sausage. Still-crackling fat gushes from her mouth, rolls down her neck. “You will find them in the depths of her chest. She has killed herself many times, to rid herself of the stench, the taint of that love, but she hasn’t died. Not yet.”

    Juniper’s hair becomes matted. Her fingernails like black crescents, her skin gray, her clothes darkened and stiff with dirt, eyes red-rimmed, parched. “Alive and dead, alive and dead. Both happening so fast you can’t see the blur. It doesn’t matter which.”

    Give me your heart.

    I barrel into Juniper, my full weight shoving her to the ground, jaws snapping at her neck, wolf’s teeth digging deep into her throat. When I pull my head back most of her windpipe comes with it, her furiously-pumping blood squirting across the ground. Her free hand grasps at her neck, touching only hot liquid, sticky veins and pulsing meat. I pull out her slippery intestine and feed the long gray tube into my mouth, the dark venous blood of her thighs oozing into a slow-spreading pool.

    Give me your heart.

    Where do you draw the line, between love and greed? I always want more, to take it all in, to eat the world. It is the old greed, a plateful of outer space, that craving, to feel what God does to you when you swallow it down. To devour that which wantonly destroys even the faithful. I reach into Juniper’s chest and give her heart a comforting touch, but she doesn’t want comfort. Her heart is still warm, still beating. It looks like a fruit, a wise, ripe cherry, a ruby dripping blood, dripping with kindness. I sever the veins and arteries with a claw and lift the muscle into the moonlight, still-pounding, gleaming as I bite deep into its naked fiber.

    Give me your heart.

    This is what Death requires of love. I dance with Death. To love is to learn the steps. To make love is to dance the dance. My heart is a lonely hunter.

  • ii.) the devil’s in my head and he won’t let me rest / i should pray a little more, i shouldn’t pray for death.

    June 27th, 2018

    Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question in life is whether to kill yourself or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end. Camus knows too much about the gun, the knife, the noose. Given so much time, the ‘impossible’ becomes possible, the possible becomes probable, and the probable virtually certain; Robbins only had to wait, time itself performs miracles.

    There is only one serious question, and that is: Who knows how to make love stay? Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself. Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and end of time, answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.

    I don’t know a thing about love.

    There is a loneliness in this world so great that I can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. People so tired, mutilated, either by love or lack thereof. I’ve seen people in shambles, worn out from begging on their knees, reaching out a hand in the darkness, not knowing for certain if someone else is there. Love doesn’t ask to be excused. It fades away without warning. There is nothing you can do to save it, to make it breathe the way it did. Death is not a problem, it’s a promise, a purpose. What is life without a purpose? What is purpose without love?

    “Kohana, my dulcet, my walking waxing moon!” I feel Juniper’s voice like an unshakable absence. Like most of my insides crawled out of my mouth and went west. She smells like affection without conditions, love potion number 9, a heady concoction—it all goes straight to my head. 

    “You came, you kept your promise.” I turn to face her and it’s like being thrown off a cliff. A trust fall. She has my heart in her teeth, still-beating, fresh from my ribcage. I don’t care if she isn’t gentle. I want her to ravage me. “Sneaking out wasn’t too terrible a task, I hope?” I only come alive when Juniper is around to look at me, to pay attention to me, to colour me in. I am already a lamb half-slaughtered, a holy sacrifice put on the altar of some sick love god. A new face, a different story, the same mess of me. I never learn my lesson, I feel her in my heartbeat.

    “It’s easy when your father is never home and your mother has to turn in early so she can make it to her 6 A.M. class.” It takes everything in me not to babble like an idiot drunk on sonnets and love songs. Juniper is a natural wonder, a tiny, unforgettable fern climbing the inside wall of an ancient well. My love for her shatters daily routine, chases away boredom; when I’m with her, each day becomes an adventure. Dreams could not invent anything more intoxicating. “My mother loves her gifted high school students. Teaches music. Plays any instrument you could think of.”

    “What about you?” she asks as we walk down a garden path laid down in a herringbone pattern, our hands dangerously close, flirting with death. Pastel shades are favored here, peonies and old roses scenting the air, all whimsy and sumptuous. Sweet alyssum plants blur the lines where the path ends and begins, the sweet honey fragrance of the tiny flowers flirting with our senses. “Can you play?”

    To my left is a bird feeder. We keep it filled with water to serve thirsty birds and to catch reflections of the surrounding flowers. “I wouldn’t know what to do if you put me in front of a piano, no.” I snort, proud of my musical ineptitude. My talents lie elsewhere, I refuse to live under my mother’s shadow.

    It’s twilight and this place is our sanctuary, silent, untouched, a whisper between star-crossed lovers. Pillowy shrubs and perennials spill over moss-covered rain barrels. Wispy foliage and delicate flowers grow against benches; the love-in-a-mist create an airy effect, wispy accents.  Pastel shades are favored here, peonies and old roses scenting the air sumptuous sensuality. The poppies reseed freely. 

    “Sounds lonely.”

    “Not really. It could be worse. A deadbeat dad and a mom that hates me? I was spared. My mother, she loves me, but she’s overbearing about it. Like she’s making up for him not being there. She still makes my lunches and tucks me in at night. Always wants to know where I’m going. Can’t stop thinking about me for a second.”

    My mother wants me to stay home. My outside activities are watched over. I understand; if girls run through the streets in happy groups as boys do, they attract attention. Striding along, singing, talking, and laughing loudly or eating an apple—these are provocations, and they will be insulted or followed or approached, but I don’t want to be the well-bred girl my mother wished for.

    I am as aggressive as all the boys in my neighborhood. I conquer them with brusque authority, a proud frankness. Don’t treat boys like companions, Kohana. My mother insists I should carefully avoid giving the impression that I’m taking the initiative, because men “do not like ‘tomboys,’ or ‘bluestockings,’ or ‘thinking women.’” Too much audacity, culture, intelligence, or character frightens them.

    My mother wanted to raise a girl but instead raised a fist.

    Juniper and I sit beneath a massively thick, millennium-old tree. It’s a wild looking thing, stoic, suspended in time, a vivid expression of the natural world’s enduring beauty. Here, under the twisted, tortured trunk of this tree, we continue our weekly rendezvous, delighting in each other’s love of philosophy. It’s riveting and romantic, I know. Last week we discussed why beauty is associated with morality. Next week I plan to discuss whether or not computers have the ability to be creative. Juniper has the floor tonight.

    In her hands is a book, or should I say grimoire; it looks full of secrets and sorcery, a witch’s sacred code stained black with a leather strap riveted around it to keep it closed. “Let’s talk about women and myth.”

    This one is a no brainier. “Men parade their satisfaction of feeling they are kings of creation,” I say so fast that I almost cut Juniper off. My words were on the tip of my tongue like they had been waiting ages to be spoken. Bullets forgotten in the chamber of a smoking gun.  

    Juniper is impressed with the speed, the conviction with which I give my response. Roses bloom from my cheeks. I am a yielding thing, all beating heart, all throat gone dry, all open arms for her. I struggle to keep it together. “Women have only won what men have been willing to concede to them. They take nothing, they receive nothing.” But I contest male sovereignty. In couples such as Varuna—Mitra, Uranus—Zeus, Sun—Moon, Day—Night, no feminine element is involved at the outset. Neither in Good—Evil, auspicious and inauspicious, left and right, God and Lucifer. “Men found ammunition in the legends of Eve and Pandora.”

    The only vulnerable part of Achilles’ body was the part a woman held.

    Juniper thrums her fingers against her book, a mile-wide smirk on her face. “Created after Adam, Eve is second to him. This is what the Genesis story symbolizes, where Eve appears as if drawn from Adam’s ‘supernumerary’ bone, in Bossuet’s words. Humanity is male, and man defines woman, not in herself, but in relation to himself. She is not considered an autonomous being.”

    “God perfected the human being when he created Eve,” is my counterpoint. I wave my hand dismissively. “You’re right, Eve was not formed at the same time as Adam. She was not made from a different substance or from the same clay Adam was modeled from: she was drawn from the first male’s flank. Even her birth was not autonomous. God did not spontaneously choose to create her for herself and to be directly worshiped in turn, he destined her for man. He gave her to Adam to save him from loneliness. Her spouse is her origin and her finality. She is his compliment. Privileged prey.”

    No man would consent to being a woman, but all want there to be women. Men assert arrogantly and naively that their presence in the world is an inevitable fact and a right, and women are a simple—but fortunate—accident.

    I want to be hostile. The praying mantis and the spider, gorged on love, crushing their partners and gobbling them up. Monstrous and stuffed, the queen termite reigning over her servile males. I am a wildcat. A tigress, a lioness, a panther.

    “Men would like to emerge, like Athena, into the adult world, armed from head to toe, invulnerable.” Juniper holds my hands while speaking her gospel. “Being conceived and born is the curse weighing on his destiny, the blemish of his being. And it is the warning of his death. Mother Earth engulfs the bones of its children within it. Women—the Parcae and the Moirai—weave human destiny, but they also cut the threads. In most folk representations, Death is a woman, and women mourn the dead because death is their work. I know a girl who thinks she’s as strong as any man. Very pretty, with a boy’s toughness, exuberance of life, initiative.”

    I am an arch. I want to devote to Juniper each beat of my heart, each drop of my blood, the very marrow in my bones. If I couldn’t see her and love her every minute of my life, I would rather die. Juniper seduces me like a man in a world without men. If I don’t marry her, if I don’t give her a normal and respectable life, I’ll go mad.

    “You have the face of darkness, Kohana.” Juniper tucks some of my hair behind my ear, caressing my cheek with her soft, soft hand. My skin ignites under her touch, I am all wildfire for her. She brushes the tips of her fingers against my lips, familiarizing herself with their texture, tracing the line of them. “You are chaos, where everything comes from and must return to one day. At the heart of the sea, it is night. You are dreaded by ancient navigators. It is night in the bowels of the earth.” 

    Her hand makes its way down my neck, over my heart. She leans in, so close her hand on my chest is mine, the butterflies in her stomach are my own. I don’t know any other way to love, except as one loves certain obscure things, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

    “Man is threatened with being engulfed in this night,” she whispers against my skin. I tingle with anticipation and excitement. My mouth trembles, begging to be kissed. “The reverse of fertility, and it horrifies him. He aspires to the sky, to light, to sunny heights, to the pure and crystal clear cold of blue, and underfoot is a moist, hot, and dark gulf ready to swallow him. Many legends have the hero falling and forever lost in maternal darkness: a cave, an abyss, hell.”

    Juniper speaks and I am Delilah and Judith, Aspasia and Lucretia, Pandora and Athena, both Eve and the Virgin Mary. I am an idol, a servant, a source of life, the power of darkness, a contradiction unto myself. I am man’s prey, his downfall, everything he is not and wants to have, his negation and his raison d’être. It’s always difficult to describe a myth. It doesn’t lend itself to being grasped or defined. I haunt everyone who tries. I doom men to death.

    Juniper does not kiss me. When I open my eyes I am alone. I am alone and I am spoiling harvests, devastating gardens, killing seeds. I am alone and fruit falls at the sight of me; I am killing the bees. I touch wine and it turns to vinegar. The milk in my hands goes sour. I take a step forward and spring violin strings.

    I am both in a forest and the forest. My body: wishing stars and the moody moon. My body: sunlight and rich earth. From me grows wildflowers, the florist’s proud rose. I transform into the nymphs, dryads, mermaids, water sprites, and fairies haunting the countryside, the woods, lakes, seas, and moors. 

    A grey, damp sky steals in, a burgling fog crawling towards me, a hundred million kinds of grey swirling together in the sky with the stars close behind, lying in wait. As I venture deeper into the forest, the shadows intensify. The trees tower more ominously overhead, mist twisting and dancing around them. I step on small, moldy bones stacked in neat piles as if mimicking a stone pathway. Green leaves turn black. Branches once straight and smooth are now knotted, gnarled. Briers no longer bear fruit, but poison. 

    “But she was just…” My voice trails off in horror. In front of me is a cold, sweaty corpse strung up by its neck and arms, dangling like a broken marionette, flies eating the waste that has since come out of it as its insides are digested by bacteria. With my hand still on top of my mouth, I examine the corpse from different angles. My eyes, afraid of what they might find, see no sign of injury, no wound to place blame. 

    The skin is bluish-purple, glistening as if covered in a thin layer of sweat. The doughy, swollen face and bulging eyes aren’t enough to hide the corpse’s identity. “Juniper?” I whisper, my eyes blurring with tears. I feel dizzy—another step and who knows where I’ll land.

    Desperate to do anything else but stare at her, I bring my gaze further in. There are other bodies hanging from trees, most skeletons with nothing more than tattered cloth and scraps of wispy hair clinging to them. Rotting corpses smell like any other rotting mammal. Rancid meat and decomposing bowels. Wet garbage bags full of feces and curdled milk left out in the sun for too long. Too many smells at once. Too many kicks to the back of the throat. I’m running out of breath.

    “Is she yours?” comes a new voice. The trees prickle as a woman hobbles into view, her throat swallowed by a heavy, black coat trimmed in fur, her white hair strangled back into a savagely-tight chignon. Her eyes fall on me like an old, fat crow scavenging the edges of roads for a maggot-infested meal. “You’ve been unusually quiet,” she growls, her grin full. She has all her teeth—sharp, leonine, yellow. Her breath is rancid. It smells like used diapers breaking down into fluids.

    “Am I ugly? Is there something on my face? Bah! As if a human would understand true beauty.” Her voice cracks with amusement, her head inclining faintly, her thin, pale lips curling into a smile. Every movement she makes, though pronounced, takes some effort. 

    “What do you mean by ‘human’?” I demand, all bravery, all backbone. The old woman cackles. Her laughter shakes the marrow in my bones, makes me humble.

    “Human. H-U-M-A-N, hoo-man!” She’s boisterous, slapping her big belly and resting the brunt of her weight on her other foot. “A sly one, you. You’ve been trouble from the moment you were born. If your hag of a mother won’t straighten you out, someone’s gotta do it.”

    I just lost a friend, and now this ugly woman is talking about my mother. What right does she have? “If you hurt a single hair on Juniper’s head—!”

    “Me? Hurt her?” says the old woman with a venomous sneer. She reaches into her dirty coat and pulls out a cigarillo, chomping on its end, spitting, and rolling it over between her lips. “If you want to know the truth, she killed herself.”

    From every side, I hear crying, but I don’t see anyone else around. “Ah, listen to them wail! Music to my ears. The most beautiful sound.” She lays her head on its side as if considering what words will get the best reaction out of me. “Those are the bushes and trees of the forest. They are only able to speak when you skin them.” 

    To demonstrate, she breaks off a branch belonging to the nearest tree, causing it to yell out in pain. Rubbing salt in its wounds, she takes the cigarillo out of her mouth and uses its branch to pick her teeth. “From human to tree! Doesn’t it just tickle you, my little suckling calf! They are plants that speak, in another monstrous hybrid that makes no sense.”

    The old woman pauses, crooking an eyebrow so long she’s tied it into a messy braid along her brow bone. “Anyway, you don’t seem all too sad about your little friend.” Her voice changes timbre, rising to an interested tenor. “Why’s that, I wonder?” 

    If I weren’t still in shock, I’d speak out against the insinuation of her comment. She cackles with renewed amusement when I don’t. “It’s because deep down, deep deep down, you’re like me. Like us! I’ve got to cut away at all that innocence—snip, snip! Like a chef that forgot to cut the fat off a prime rib.” She pinches her thick nose, extinguishing her cigarillo on the tree’s bark. I hadn’t even seen her light it. “You think I don’t know why you followed that girl into my forest? She had pretty breasts and knew her poetry by heart! You’ll have to forgive me, my clumsy gazelle. I love to tease and ridicule the lovestruck.”

    I bite my lip and stare straight ahead but my cheeks are still on fire. I can’t believe this hag made me blush.

    “Oh, stop that,” she snaps, her already-wrinkled face scrunching up in disgust. “Your youth smells awful! Chubby babies and fluffy puppies. I want to vomit everything in my stomach.”

    “Well, that’s one thing we have in common.” Like a cobra I spit venom at her eyes with blinding accuracy. “People will wonder what happened to Juniper, you frigid bitch!”

    “So? Let them wonder! You care too much. Maybe she was stabbed eighty times with an ice pick and then slashed at the neck. It’s not like she had any family, it’s not like she’ll be missed.”

    “I’ll miss her.”

    “Well aren’t you a pretty little liar. Not bad. You believe magic is a rainbow after a storm, skipping off into the sunset after a day of hard work, the first kiss you have with that girl you’ve been swooning over for so many months. It is not. Magic is tooth and fang and claw, all edges. Knives and chainsaws, girl. The sword at your neck, your last words, your dying breath. Juniper was your doom. You know my name, girl.”

    Wren, the oldest, cruelest tree in a forest so secret not even birds know about it. She’s deeper than secrets, more secret than depth, as ambiguous as she is hideous.

    I’ve heard the stories.

    Anyone who knows anything about magic has.

    Wren is a walking contradiction, ruthless and vile but also beneficent and kind. The kindhearted, noble, virtuous, and heroic people that meet her receive her gifts, her counsel. Anyone who possesses a loving and honorable heart can overcome even the worst evil. “The Wren, who not only possesses a hunger for human flesh…” With my hands curled against my chest, I recite lines from one of the tales my mother read me: The Wicked Witch of the Wilds. “But the capacity to consume enough food for twelve in one sitting.”

    Wren knows things no one else could guess, so she can help people and, depending on if she’s the wise woman or the monster, her help may come at the price of an impossible task, with death as the punishment for failure.

    “Ah, now the cogs are turning,” she says, amused at my misfortune. I exchange nervous glances between Wren and her hut’s fence made up of the bones of those she has eaten, topped with their skulls. 

    “You’ve read the books. You know how this goes.” Wren’s expression softens at the sight of my tears. Her braided eyebrows crease together gently, the back of her withered hand brushing against my cheek. “Every step hereafter will be a bargain with pain. Make your black deals in the black wood and decide what you’ll trade for power, for the opposite of weakness, which is not strength, but hardness. I am a trap, but so is everything. Pick your price. I am freedom and I will eat your heart.”

    My body feels it deep in the guts when something strange is about to happen, so my stomach quivers. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop them from shaking so much, but that just makes the shaking worse. I laugh, in an attempt to loosen up, to relax. I feel my laughter sharp against my spine like a saw.

    It’s frustrating. I know so much about magic but can’t do it myself. And, truthfully, I’m frustrated at my being frustrated. Humans lack the aptitude for magic, there’s nothing I can do about her, about this. I’m defenseless. A sitting duck. I can’t stand it.

    “Those stories aren’t about me.” I snatch my power back by the neck. I refuse to be dealt a bad hand. Wren might very well sink her teeth into me, but that doesn’t mean I should just lay down and give up. “They’re about Sylvias, or Rheas, or Anaises,” I continue, with stern authority. “I’m not a protagonist in your story.”

    Wren grins wider and wider, until the sides of her mouth meet somewhere behind her ears. All my fingers and toes go numb, my body shaking as if I have been drenched in freezing buckets of water. Her expression is the opposite of what I wanted. If outtalking her isn’t an option, then what other option do I have? I should just rip my heart out of my chest and be done with it.

    “The Sylvias and Rheas and Anaises, they were just appetizers. Whatever made you put the forbidden fruit into your sinews. Be proud, you reek of Man’s First Disobedience. The slogan of Hell: Eat or be eaten. The slogan of Heaven: Eat and be eaten!” Wren pauses, sniffing the air with long, snorting breaths like a hound. “Is it an apple? A fig? A peach? A pomegranate or something completely different? Your ambrosial smell can madden an empty stomach to action. I know the rules, though. You are not worth the temptation, Kohana Ohuang-Zhùróng.”

    I am shaking, all over, every cell vibrating with the weight of her words, so heavy, like a reckoning I can feel in my knees, in my shoulders. “H-how do you know my name?”

    “Kohana, Kohana, Kohana. My, what a black, soft name. Black as bibles! Like a body pillow and sherpa cover I want to cuddle with all night long. Yours is a name that hugs back.”

    No. 

    My name is an ambush predator. 

    My name strikes, it grabs with its teeth. It shuts off blood flow to the heart and brain. It shoves prey down its throat towards its bottomless stomach. Wren is wrong. My name crushes and breaks bones like a boa constrictor. My father named me. I was born to be brutal. 

    “You’ve been very careless, Kohana. You traded pinky promises for declarations of war, the power of friendship for brute military force. It’s all your own fault. Two mothers and neither of us could save you, can you believe it?”

    “Shut up!” I scream, my words penetrating like armor-piercing bullets. “I’ve been on my best behavior. I’ve done everything I was told. I don’t do or say anything that might be upsetting to others regardless of my opinions, which I’m supposed to keep to myself anyway. The word ‘no’ doesn’t exist in my vocabulary because I’m supposed to take care of others’ needs before my own.” Anything else would be selfish and inconsiderate. “I do all this without faltering, all of it, in an immaculate outfit, with a smile on my face that never betrays how I feel inside. I’ve been good. So good!”

    “Good does not mean right, and you did everything wrong. Girls must care only for unicorns, bubble gum, rainbows and ribbons. They must sweep their hearts clean of anything but dollies and husbands and wedding rings.” Wren sounds like my father. He believes housekeeping and cooking ability are essentials in any true home. That I exist to build up and maintain my future husband’s ego. That I shouldn’t talk unless my future husband wants me to—then don’t I dare disappoint him, not ever.

    “Even if, by some miracle,I’d marry someone when I’m all grown up, it definitely won’t be to a man. I don’t want to pretend to be his mother for the rest of his life, ensuring he’s fed, washed, well-dressed and his things organized. I hate housework. I don’t want children.”

    Men love danger and I am the most dangerous plaything. If Sleeping Beauty is to be awakened, she must be sleeping. If there is a captive princess, there must be ogres and dragons. Conquering, to them, is more fascinating than rescuing or giving. I am my own benefactor, my own liberator. I redeem myself.

    A husband will try to conquer me in vain. Sleeping Beauty might wake up with displeasure, she might not recognize her Prince Charming in the one who awakens her, she might not smile. A man wants to give and here I am taking. This is no longer a game, it is a question of self-defense. Life or death. Prepare yourself.

    “Fair enough,” Wren says, her voice crooning, sibilant, her breath sawing back and forth. She takes my face in her hands, squishing my cheeks together. Wren smiles, but beneath her smile is something else, the smile of a carnivore. This is her true smile, the smile of all evil stepmothers and wicked witches. She strokes my face, kisses my forehead like my mother would. “You want an archrival.”

    “An enemy?” I pry her hands from my face and take a few steps back. I need to make sure I heard her correctly. “Why would I want that? Why would anyone want that?” I want friends, I almost blurt out, but I swallow the words down. They taste bitter. Sour as onions stepped in seawater.

    “An enemy will repay evil for evil and reviling for reviling, girl!” Her dry lips crack as she grins at me again. “But an archrival, a real, proper archrival, will never stop, never give in, and forget how it all started in the first place. You want for a creature of moods. A wolf, a thief, an emperor! They will rise against you, my supreme creature, understanding there is little hope to conquer you, but being unable to stand aside. An opponent to the despotic power of the All Creator that can be admired for their struggle but is supposed to finally lose because of their deeds. Supposedly, were you not so weak.”

    I laugh. I laugh in Wren’s face. I level a stare at her. In Wren’s world, fear has no place. Only strength respects strength. “You don’t know anything about me.” I bare my teeth. Dig my feet down into the twilit earth. I devour the moon.

    Wren gives a generous shrug, as if to demur. You don’t know what I know. She leans down so our faces stand as close as secrets. “I see your story in every line, in every curve and crack, in every detail of your face, unmistakably apparent. The same painful realization. The same stupid message in every stupid bend and in every stupid stitch.”

    I scowl so deeply the trees curve away from me, desperate to escape my displeasure. My stare is a fire with its own storm-force winds, five-thousand fists wrapped in barbed wire, broken noses, split lips, guts and gore and spit. 

    “The wolf, it will always start out loving you,” Wren continues, unperturbed. “You can’t get into the real meat of hatred and eternal enmity without love and betrayal. The all-obliterating, all-annihilating passion of archrivals, that comes from attachment. Fear not, girl. I will prepare you, best as I can. You come here with your roots planted in Life, but the earth is a grave, and life a bitter combat. You will never be the industrious honeybee or the mother hen.”

    Wren sparks something so profound in me my mouth moves automatic and words spill out, all voice, no thought. “I am the praying mantis, the spider.”

    “That is precisely it, girl. Take it from me, I ate all my husbands!” Her mutter of amusement blossoms into an enormous belly laugh, deep, hearty, her head thrown back in the midst of happy tears. A hint of a smile dances across my lips. She apologizes for nothing, I admire her sick, her nasty. Wren is all I aspire to be, unwilling to hang on a husband’s arm like a slug. To love is to devour. 

    “On our wedding day I am gentler than a breeze, the moon among young foliage. There I am like the fresh butterfly unfolding its newborn wings, like a lanky doe, like a flower that doesn’t even know it is beautiful. They think my womb a warm, peaceful haven and then boom! Here comes Wren, the rank octopus, the carnivorous plant, the abyss of convulsive darkness swallowing their supposed strength. Cinderella was always a witch. And you, my blushing cabaret—are you angel or devil? Lying embellishes you with glittering reflections, coquetry is your intoxicating perfume. You are magic. You were always capable.”

    The forest disappears, and in my hands is a black leather grimoire, terrible and forbidden, full of apocalypses and monster gods. 

    The yew, that dark, twisted, enigmatic tree of legend looms over me; despite extreme damage and decay, splitting open at the trunk, it continues to thrive, sinister, stubborn. Wren is brave, having survived hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and humans, and yet manages to retain her verdant stature. I promise to visit her every night.

    ★

    ★

    A daughter is a special doll to be kept in a glass cabinet. An automatic girl the master of the house brings out to entertain at the table with charming words, to be polished up with powder and elaborate costumes. Pull the lever in her heart and she dispenses love. Pose her arms and legs and she exhibits grace, then put her away in her cabinet again.

    My father doesn’t love me. He likes to see me dressed in all white, knife in hand, hair pulled back under a net. You’ve a surgeon’s hands, Kohana. My fingers, too long, too nimble. My skin, too soft, not a single blemish on them. 

    My hands were built for delicate work. They’re not a heavy labourer’s hands. This, I think, disappoints him the most. My hands hunt, stab, slash. They tease out tissues, caress vessels, and nimbly knot thread as fine as human hair, not a single movement wasted. My hands perform well-choreographed ballet. This is not enough. I am not what he wanted.

    My fingertips should be flattened and ironed by the touch of hot silver dishes and copper serving pans, a heavy callous sitting at the base of my forefinger from holding my chopping knife with a golfer’s grip. I should have asbestos hands. Leather knuckles. I should be able to look at my hands and remember what each scar is from. That was the oven, this was when I was doing oysters, this was when I nearly lost three fingers.

    I have hands that hold people together until my fingers go numb and my arms quiver.

    My father’s hands can cut an onion so fast your eyes don’t have a chance to tear up. They’re stained from working with beats because he forgets to put gloves on. His are battered and torn and scorched and stabbed but still gentle enough to not crush delicate herbs. They are a testament to the torturous work he endures, a symbol of his incredible work ethic. My hands know people’s lives are at stake, each step blended seamlessly with the next. My father doesn’t introduce me to his friends or business acquaintances.

    I’m Kai-liang Hsü’s daughter. The internationally renowned, multi-Michelin starred chef Kai-liang Hsü’s daughter, and I can’t even make an omelet.

    My father was burning, and my mother put out the fire. He was walking on water and she took his arm, he sunk. A man who wants to hurt you is better than a woman who wants to help you, Kohana. My father thinks he’s a god. He wants to be God. The last time he was home, years and years ago, I watched him place his hand on my mother’s stomach in the same manner a lion holds his paw spread out on a piece of meat he has won. He vaguely sniffed her face, like a lion, tearing at the meat he holds between his paws, who stops to lick it.

    He lords over his kitchen with an iron fist. 

    My father thinks every war is beautiful, whatever its aims. To him, force is always admirable, whatever it serves. I am not surprised to see the battlefield he has nurtured, the soldiers his line cooks have turned into because they must. 

    In one ear is my mother: Kohana don’t do this. I taught you to please, you must try to please. Stand up straight, don’t walk like a duck, be graceful, strenuous exercise is banned, you are forbidden to fight—

    In the other, my father: Learn to take blows, to deride pain, to hold back tears. Undertake. Invent. Dare. Fight back. The universe has a totally different face from what it has for girls. Revolt against the given.

    “You.” There is no longer any place on earth for magic: my father alone is king. Nature is originally bad, but powerless when countered with grace; the earth will only get his bones. “What are you doing here? Get out, get out, get out, Kohana.” If I wish to overcome the original stain of myself my only option is to bow before God, beaten and trampled underfoot. When he brought forth the world from nothing, God foresaw the Fall and the Redemption.

    “Go back to your books about space exploration, your moon and stars, your astrophysics, but do not busy yourself with my affairs. The only thing your prattle about traveling to other worlds does is delay the inevitability of humanity’s end, just a little. The gall of you to refuse my legacy, my life’s work, for that.”

    My father’s wrath is reserved for all that oppose him. “I told you I never wanted to see you in my kitchen again unless you intend to make yourself useful.” You are useless as you are.

    When a boy revolts against his father or against the world, he imposes himself on the world, he goes beyond them. But affirming myself, imposing myself, it is unspeakable, repugnant. My heart is full of revolt. I can only destroy, there is despair in my rage. Destruction will come by flames; I will yet again destroy the earth.

    My body burns electric. I try to call out to my father, but all that comes out of my mouth is fire and geometry. I vaporize into infinite particles, each cell of me, briefly, fully sentient and screaming. When you’re hungry, really hungry, your whole body is a mouth. You blister all over. Your sister tongue is teeth. I remember billions of years traveling in the shrieking dark. I remember a feast of worlds before the big bang. I am immortal, indestructible, a mutable manifestation of hate and fury and want. 

    I open my jaw as wide as light-years and bite into whatever fits inside my mouth. Star-juice runs down my chin. I can’t hear the screaming of planets suddenly freezing in the void, careening in the release of gravity’s hand brake. What spills from my lips into my palms—blood, my body bent in half and backwards—are all the words I’ve swallowed: a constant quiet, dying of famine.

    I ache all over.

  • i.) is this darkness in you, too? / have you passed through this night?

    June 26th, 2018

    Death drags its spindly fingers against the hull of my ship, but death shall have no dominion. Even as we crash down to the Earth like an angel cast out of heaven, death is too weak to overcome us. It chokes the moon, blights the stars, envelops this planet in something darker than dark. As I struggle to regain control of my ship, I am made keenly aware that I am dying every second, faster than sleight of hand. Like all mortal things I am browning at the edges, my strength waning, infinitesimally. I can hear each grain of sand fall from the hourglass of my life, the hands of time ticking softly. There was a time when Celestial Beings lived for billions of years. Death took a blade to our lifespans; feeling generous, it allowed us to keep 30,000 of those years.

    I have come to terms with my death a long time ago. I need not be reminded of it. I am always dying, every second. It is part of the deal I made when I dared to live.

    With my thoughts, I steer the Aphelion through apocalyptic blasts that do not necessarily destroy, rather, they bring an end to what they come into contact with. Reality shudders. Time lapses around us like a skipped heartbeat. We are facing an extraordinarily powerful being with the ability to, without exception and without permitting any resistance, end the life of anything living. I recognize it, because its abilities are my own.

    Focus is critical when piloting Spectrian vessels. The Aphelion and I are mentally linked, our bond like no other. It is an unbreakable covenant, a pledge, an unyielding power that Death seeks to bend. Though our fall is turbulent I remain stationary, a testament to my unparalleled balance. The Aphelion is only as strong as I am.

    I glance at the panels that rush by me, the Aphelion’s emergency signals blaring in my ears. I smile—a reassuring, open smile as bright as a quasar. When the Aphelion sees the flash of my teeth, it concludes I am in no danger. Death and I are intimate. I can feel the shock of its desire in my shoulder blades, it will not let me go quietly. It wants to humiliate me, demolish me. My hip moves towards it a little, drawn to its irresistible pull. Its hands are wrapped tightly around my neck, my teeth deep in the sinews of its heart.

    “Are you lost, Death?” I finally ask. To the Aphelion, my voice is as familiar as the star ocean, soft and deep as summer mud. “Of course you are,” I continue, exhibiting the poise and restraint the Aphelion knows me for. Even Death must be shown respect, it would be remiss of me to treat it with nothing less. “I needn’t ask. This is Earth, a third world planet. Your home is elsewhere. Begone.”

    I cannot stop our inevitable impact but keep my promise: death will have no dominion. Sure as the day follows the night, spring follows winter and proceeds summer. Hibernating creatures will crawl out of their tombs and move and mix and mate again. Trees will blossom and the birds will sing and the earth will provide a plentiful bounty for all. Life overcomes death, time and time again. “Prepare for an emergency touchdown, Aphelion. My dearest girl.”

    Death and I are two sides of the same coin. It knows I am a being of unhinged slaughter beneath my self-possession. When faced with an enemy that cannot die, I can, at the very least, inflict irreparable damage on them. This includes the conceptual and intangible, the immortal and ‘unkillable.’ It is not our crash-landing that will wreck the Aphelion beyond repair, but Death itself. It eliminates the bonds that hold the Aphelion’s molecules together, dissolving large chunks of my ship into nothingness. The de-atomization of my ship creates dangerous levels of instability in the area; Death has effectively turned my ship into a weapon unto itself. Our impact will not kill me. It cannot kill me.

    Having my atomic bonds dissociated, however, will. 

    Cosmic magic stirs in my veins, hiding the Aphelion from even clairvoyant sight. Next comes the silencing of our touchdown, then the separation of the site of impact from the rest of the world. Ours is an extraterrestrial collision, a major impact event that releases the energy of several million nuclear weapons detonating simultaneously. Had it not been for my reality warping, the Earth would have been destroyed thrice over. Had the Earth been a sentient planet, it would have been thankful for my ability to react quickly and effectively. 

    “Aphelion, may I ask our location?” I ask in a low, pleasant, soothing voice. She is not particularly fond of crash landings, but she is also impervious to all forms of physical damage. I, too, possess the same imperviousness. I do not feel physical pain, and am immune to bleeding or loss of limb. It is not the impact that has rendered the Aphelion unable to function as it should, but Death’s attack. In the condition she is in now, the Aphelion is not fit to sail the cosmos.

    “Kita, one of the eleven wards in the city of Kyoto, in Kyoto Prefecture, Japan.”

    “Excellent. Time?”

    “04:00 Earth time.”

    More panels appear, providing images of the surrounding area. Climbing rose arbors frame paths to stunning weeping willows and blooming fruit trees. A series of blushing plants swirl around the sidewalks, Japanese maples and green ginkgo trees that have stood for decades guarding wooden homes adorned with flowers. We have landed in the middle of a slumbering neighborhood almost too stunning for words, a sanctuary of bird and butterfly life that offers both beauty and bounty, thriving with love.

    “The lion kills not, the wolf snatches not the lamb. Unknown is the child-devouring wild dog. A place of everlasting joy without death.” The Aphelion and I have kept this place precious. When I finally step foot out of my ship and into the proper dimension, I am immersed in nature.

    As any astute Advisor would do, I scoured the archives for anything Earth-related before embarking on this retrieval mission. There is nothing particularly interesting about the Earth, no reason why Death should be here in person. I can only assume it is here for the same reason I am: the Summoner of Time, Spectra’s General, a cosmic weapon more destructive than words can express.

    It is to be a race, then.

    After clearing the Aphelion’s wreckage and assessing the damages, I tap my index and forefingers against the side of my head, activating my communicator. My communicator—in a flash of light—projects my comrade’s image on a large, floating screen in front of me. It seems D’ivoire was expecting my call, wearing a smug expression with his legs propped up against his desk.

    “Well, well, well,” he begins, thrumming his fingers and leaning his head against his freehand. “What do we have here? A shipwrecked Spectrian in dire need of assistance…?” His eyes are a warm shade of brown, his lips full, and he has always been a sharp-dresser. He is as popular as he is handsome. I am not surprised he continues to leave me breathless despite having grown up together.

    “I… appreciate your humour,” is my response, albeit clumsily given. “Was it the debris that tipped you off?”

    “You already know. I’ve never seen her so beat up. You okay down there? I know you love that thing more than you love your own life.” He pauses, smiling faintly. “Sorry, didn’t realize I called her a ‘thing,’ caught it too late. Send my apologies to the lady, would you? Think you can fix her, or do I have to come down there and save you?”

    “It’s peaceful here. Quiet. A trip to Earth is the vacation you never knew you needed.”

    “Alright, well…” He throws his arms behind his head and swivels around in his chair, stopping only when he has finished his drawl. “It’ll probably be a couple of Earth days before I can get you. Boss man’s gonna want a report of your situation before I leave, so keep your communication channels open. I’ll watch your movements in case you need some backup ASAP and—in that case—maybe the Summoner there can get us to you pronto. You never know, she is a prodigy and all. Her magic affinity might have something to do with miracles.”

    “The Summoner may end up saving us both. I didn’t crash the Aphelion, mind you.”

    “Find that hard to believe, thing’s busted.”

    “When your ship meets the same fate and we are both stranded here, we can discuss the legitimacy of my claim then.”

    “Sounds good, hopefully you’ll have yours fixed by the time I get there.”

    I have no doubt that he will save me, and repair the Aphelion himself if he has to. This is a man who is driven and goal-oriented contrary to the casualness he carries himself with that values success in his missions, in which he is more invested than anything else.

    I made the acquaintance of D’ivoire when we were waiting to be interviewed by the Academy for admission. We were young, a little over five-thousand-years-old, with one dream at the forefront: to become the next Advisor, chosen out of thousands of Celestial Beings by the Commander. Before D’ivoire marched through those doors and told the officers why he wanted to become Spectra’s Strongest, he told me, a stranger at the time, his reason.

    I could not understand why someone would subject themselves to ten thousand years of training just to ‘see what is out there.’ It was absurd, I thought, he could pick up any Spectrian book and read about distant planets and the universes that house them.

    I could not, in good conscious, watch someone throw their life away for something so frivolous. He could easily replicate the experience of going to another world, of being on another world in the simulations he had access to even as a child. Even further, he could have asked the previous Advisor about what it was like to journey the cosmos. While Advisors are forbidden to part with what Spectra considers classified information, regaling a child with colourful accounts of warfare would not have been breaking the law.

    My thoughts are interrupted by a heavy sound, like that of someone collapsing. My guess is proven half correct when I look down and find a girl of fourteen summers laying on her back, dazed from what looks to be a sudden impact.

    Because of the aforementioned, I feel confident in my assumption that she fell out of the tree in front of us. There is further evidence to support my claim: the tree’s blossoms are still falling, its limbs are still trembling from being climbed ( and presumably being knocked into during her descent ), and her buns are disheveled, riddled with petals. I smile, chuckling at the absurdity of this situation. To think the Earth has greeted me with a girl falling out of a tree, it is nothing short of amusing.

    I did not think anyone would be out at this hour. It is much too late for a girl her age to be roaming about all by her lonesome.

    My kindness has served me well as an assassin, and I have never believed it to be a weakness. “You make the concrete look comfortable,” I tease. I am long overdue for rest and relaxation myself. “Just how long of a nap will you take?”

    Her response is a physical one. She takes on a childish expression, lips aquiver, brows coming down hard atop her eyes as she shuts them tight and mumbles. “Is it naptime already…?”

    “Not quite. It is four in the morning, an odd time for a little girl to be roaming the streets.”

    “Four in the—” Now she realizes I am here. Her eyes are like my own, a clear sign of her being Celestial. They are radioluminescent, glowing fiercely against the darkness. That she is of my kind there can be no doubt, the cause of her eyes’ frighteningly-bright glow due to the magic in her body reacting to mine. She is certainly the Summoner I have been sent here for.

    Jolting up into a seated position and supporting her weight on the back of her hands, she crawls away from me. Her expression is one of horror, pointing at me once she has decided she has put a reasonable amount of distance between us.

    This girl is awfully dramatic, retracting her hand and clutching her chest as if I’ve committed some horrible crime against her that has left her shaken. “You saw nothing!” she yells, waving her hands around indignantly, “you don’t know I’m here, and you’re definitely not going to tell my mother about this!”

    “Lively no matter the hour. Is it reasonable to assume you are a morning bird?” Perhaps ‘bird’ is not the best animal to compare her to, what with her falling gracelessly out of that poor tree.

    “Yes…?” She is trying to figure out if what I said was a trick question. It was not. I was merely speaking in jest. “—I mean no!” comes her vehement addendum. She decides to lay flat on the ground again, closing her eyes and sighing wistfully as she does so.

    I wonder what she hopes to accomplish with suddenly deciding to stay silent. I will not leave, especially when I have reason to believe she is the Summoner I seek.

    Eventually she understands that she will not be rid of me that easily and folds her arms behind her head. “Are you sure you’re not plotting against me…?”

    “Merely curious. Speaking of curiosity… How is it that you managed to climb this worse for wear tree?” I do not remember the tree being this sickly a few moments ago.

    She opens one eye to give me an incredulous look. “I don’t follow.”

    “This tree is ill-suited for climbing.”

    “Can’t be, climbed it.”

    “You have the ability to thwart the impossible, the eldritch, the beyond comprehension, the divine and the unimaginable. Scaling a dying tree should be nothing to you.”

    Again she relaxes herself, sprawling out in the same manner a lazy cat would. She is being defiant on purpose. Her long pauses, her flippant body language, and her refusal to look at me are all actions meant to rile me into retreating. She will find that I am of a phlegmatic temperament and, unlike her, am not quick to anger.

    “I didn’t hear a word of what you said. …Except that last part.” Meaning she did not understand the mantra I spoke, but does not want to admit that. “See, normally I would chalk you up to being some stranger out of your mind, but.” But? “It’s four in the morning. You’re dressed like a Victorian vampire.”

    If she has issues our uniform, she will have to take it up with the Commander. I, however, take offense to that. I personalized my own. “You look like one, too. …And your eyes are glowing.” —And hers are not? “It’s obvious you aren’t from here. Even your accent is strange. Either you fess up about who and what you are, or…” She sounds like she is going to threaten me, but is as threatening as a marshmallow. “Or…”

    This girl is so committed to her rambling that she does not notice Death’s cool breath on the back of her neck, or its hands tying weather-beaten ribbons and half-dead flowers into her hair.

    She drones on, and Death shows me a glimpse of its silhouette, a ghastly skeleton of a woman with an expecting belly whispering sweet nothings into the girl’s ear in a language she cannot understand. Sleep. You will be so tired when you embrace your role as Summoner. You will be sick of living, but there is no life in death. No suffering. You can be with me forever. I love you so much.

    Knocked back on her hands and seized with terror, the girl avoids being skewered to death by a small margin, digging her fingers so deep into the ground that the earth is cracking where she has sunk her nails. A Shadow emerges from the darkness—one of Death’s underlings: an incredibly violent, vengeful creature that is only interested in either massacres or full scale planetary annihilation—answering the girl’s horrified pause with an eyeless stare, its gaze so penetrating that it chokes a frenzied cry out of her.

    She instinctively begins to crawl away from this dark, amorphous, colossal mass lording over her in all its insanity-inducing horror, its body riddled with hideous faces losing cohesion and unraveling into masses of coiled, writhing tentacles. Its appendages whip around and leave a sticky residue on whatever they touch before manifesting into faces again.

    I continue to watch without getting involved. The Shadow knows it cannot disturb my composure and, as a result, has ignored me from the start.

    The girl no doubt takes offense to this. I expect her to complain shortly after the Shadow’s… performance, assuming she has not gone mad because of it.

    “You must stand.” My words are blunt, ringing clear against the distorted screeching that blares from the Shadow’s body. If she is the Summoner I seek, she has heard me in spite of its cacophony of cackles, snickers and screams. Her level of hearing is unbelievable by most extraterrestrials’ standards, especially by human ones. “Your planet will not protect you.” Her cat-slit pupils are now the size of saucers. She is unable to look away from the writhing, oily abyss despite her best efforts to tear herself away from it. “Be strong.”

    The Shadow rips the tendril meant to skewer her out of the earth. The retraction of its arm snaps her back to reality at a great cost.

    A wave of death lays claim to everything in a half mile radius. Flowers wither away into nothing, and birds drop down to the Earth in a soiree of corpses. Even the tree she climbed is not spared.

    “It is preparing another attack.” The Shadow is gauging her mettle. I would be a liar if I said I were not using this opportunity to do so also. Homes have been destroyed. Families, gone. I wonder how hard the realization that people have died will hit her.

    She looks at me with a pained expression, tears swelling in the corner of her eyes as she makes angry demands of the Shadow. She is certainly aggressive, so easily offended and ready to bicker even when her life is being threatened. I am counting on that belligerency, how she is prepared to stand and fight the smallest thing that makes her angry.

    There is courage in that over-sensitivity, her willingness to settle scores with complete strangers who are noticeably stronger, faster, and smarter than her. I want to tell her that there is no difference between myself and this Shadow. If she can challenge me, she can challenge it, and if she is the Summoner I seek, I firmly believe she will emerge victorious.

    “Come now, girl. This is a matter of life and death.” Her tears do not move me. They do, however, excite her assailant. “You have to save yourself.”

    There is something murderous in the curl of her lip: I’ll make you eat those words, I refuse to be beaten by something as silly as a Shadow.  

    “You really think I believe you can’t help me? When this thing isn’t even looking in your direction?” It is as I thought, she is throwing a temper tantrum because I am not being given the same attention by our friend. Her behaviour is silly and immature, but I can expect nothing less from a child.

    The Shadow raises its arm and, thereon, morphs it into a massive, ornate axe. If she is the Summoner I seek, she will be unharmed by the Shadow’s next action.

    The Shadow slams its arm down on top of her with the intent to cleave her in half. She squeaks, closing her eyes and throwing her arms up over her head in an instinctive attempt to block the attack.

    Any other person would die on impact.

    Fortunately for this girl, she possesses an immunity to almost all forms of harm and ailments, including extreme force and high temperatures. An axe poses no threat when she can withstand the collapse of universes. She will achieve feats of immeasurable magnitude. So incredible, this girl, that her arms lessen a blow that would have otherwise seen the Earth shattered. The ground does collapse beneath her, however, and she begins to sink into the resulting chasm, unwitting to the ensuing chaos. Buildings falling, sidewalks turning into shrapnel, vehicles exploding via shockwaves from the attack, et cœtera, et cœtera.

    In the chaos I still see her, arms intact without a scratch. The Shadow is thrilled by the girl’s resilience. Again it raises its axe.

    This time the girl is prepared, keeping her arms where they are because she knows they will protect her from the incoming assault. The Shadow remains one step ahead, its other arm transforming into a similiar axe to deliver a crushing blow twofold. It strikes her over and over again with all the force of a meteor crashing into a planet.

    With slimy, dark-coated fingers, it grabs the girl by her shirt and lifts her high into the air so that they are eye-level. In a decisive move, she tries to wrap her hands around its wrist but they seep through it. Angered by the Shadow’s sudden incorporeality, she begins to kick and scream in protest while the Shadow licks its several-hundred, newly-manifested lips.

    “This is your fight.” She looks at me, fuming as one might expect, making tightly-wound fists before I can finish my statement. “The first of many,” I continue, stifling a chuckle. How can I not laugh when she is cartoonishly angry, as though smoke will come billowing out of her ears at any moment? Her expressions and body language are so exaggerated that words would fail to describe the intensity of them. This one is certainly histrionic. “It would be rude of me to interrupt.”

    “…Our fight!” It is an outcry of strong disapproval. I cannot tell if her face is red from crying, or from screaming. “Don’t think you get to worm your way out of this! I’m dying”—she emphasizes her last word in both a sudden change of tone ( one of great sorrow ) and the drooping of her shoulders—“and you’re just standing there!”

    This girl is easily the most dramatic person I’ve met. Histrionic perfectly describes her.

    “When you are older, you will thank me for not getting involved. You will understand, then. I do not fault you for being unable to now.”

    “Oh, so you’re one of those people that think I’m too young to know what’s good for me.”

    I was told she was a prodigy. I had imagined her a thoughtful, quiet girl with sound judgment and common sense. This girl wants for all those things.

    “I’ll have you know,” she begins, closing her eyes in a self-satisfied manner. She waves her index finger around in tandem to each word being said, a reprimanding—and emphasizing—gesture too casual considering the circumstances. “That I know that you know that I know you don’t know that I think someone who can save me saving me is a better option than… anything else you think I’d prefer if I were older.”

    The Shadow flips the girl upside down, her buns unraveling in the sudden motion. Its attack was cleanly executed, a lone tendril catching her by the ankle as to stop her inevitable descent. The girl waves her arms out; it is likely she is reaching for the Earth she cannot see, because the Shadow has made itself wider mid-morph.

    “Don’t let it eat you.” It is all mouths now, thousands of them, snapping, slobbering, slowly lowering the girl into the shrieking voids of its body. “As confident as I am in your defenses, being eaten by a Shadow will kill you.”

    The girl, spurred on by my words, curls her body inward, performing an inverted sit up. From there she latches onto the tendril she is hanging from and attempts to slither out of the Shadow’s grasp by climbing it. The Shadow is only amused by her actions, lowering her further into its depths and cackling mad with fervor as she tries—in vain—to free herself from it.

    That this girl is special there can be no doubt, though the question still remains: in what way is she different from a standard Summoner? What is it that makes her prodigious?

    “Perhaps your talent lies in weathering the worse as opposed to offense.” I am running out of time. She has sunk deep into the Shadow, enshrouded by tar-thick tendrils shifting into sticky, teetering hands.

    “You’re wrong.” I am taken aback by the sound of her voice. She should not be audible when the top of her head is the only thing that is visible. “I can fight.” Nevertheless, I challenge her until the bitter end, speaking her own childish language.

    “Prove it.”

    She disappears in its darkness. The Shadow has snuffed out her brilliance, and ended her life just as I thought.

    Unfortunate as these events are, I must press on.

    I want to turn on my heel, to leave the girl and the Shadow behind and return to the Aphelion to continue working on her repairs, but the Shadow violently implodes, cleaved in several directions by an outpour of light that  bursts from its center.

    She is covered in gelatinous bits of the Shadow sucking at her skin like ticks. Scowling, she brings her hand up to her forehead and flicks away the gunk that plagued it. Her eye twitches, the constriction of her already-thin pupils followed by a subtle quirk of her nose expressing her disgust. I am pleased, smiling a bit wider this time, praising her for her improvement.

    “You are learning. That is good. Your refusal to die is important.” The Shadow lets out a loud, piercing cry as it tries to put itself back together. It cannot maintain cohesion, ergo, it keeps falling apart and is largely distraught by it. “Finish it. You must attack it while it is weak.” It lashes out at the girl, half-cohesive, half-coherent, shooting pieces of itself like bullets at her, a barrage of oily pitch seeking to tear through her with hurricane force.

    One of her elementary skills as a Summoner is bullet perception, her mind and body able to process information at such absurd speeds that time slows down, enabling the girl to perceive what would normally be moving too fast for the average extraterrestrial to see. As a result she quickly positions herself away from the path of the Shadow’s attacks, dodging them accordingly.

    Once the Shadow exhausts itself, she stops where she last set foot and moves her left arm slightly behind her back, wearing a determined expression as she readies herself for another attack, moving with the fluidity of champions. “I’m not going to pretend to know what you mean,” she says. She does not break eye contact with the Shadow, and—despite her short stature—is sizing it up, seeking to intimidate it into surrender. “But if that means I can beat this thing then that’s good enough for me. How do I do that, exactly?”

    “I will not explain your abilities to you while your life is still in danger. There must be some manner of magic within that body of yours.”

    “Oh? With magic?” She blinks profusely, her heroic stance relaxing. “Why didn’t you say so before?” It is only after several seconds that she realizes the difficulty in what I said and her reaction is no less exaggerated, turning sharply on her heel to glare at me with a deep frown proceeding a pout. “Wait… What do you mean with magic?” She shakes her right hand and opens it as if dropping something, emphasizing that there is nothing there with her dramatic gesture. “Hello? What magic! I don’t have any magic, and as you’ve acknowledged, there’s this thing conveniently ignoring you and trying to kill me! Can’t you do something? I’m sure you have enough magic,” she stresses, dual flexing her index and middle fingers to draw quotation marks in the air, “for the both of us.”

    I raise a brow at her. “Is the prospect of being capable of casting magic yourself so impossible when you are being pursued by a Shadow that may or may not be your own razing everything in its path?”

    “Yes.”

    The Shadow makes a final, desperate attempt to defeat the girl while her guard is down, lunging at her with all that is left of itself in a sudden, brutal attack.

    The Summoner I thought I would meet is now standing in front of me, fearless and determined to win. She closes her eyes and deeply exhales, searching for the magic that was latent inside her up until this moment.

    The girl allows the Shadow to get close to her and, once it has, throws her arms out, her magic ready to be unleashed in planet-destroying fervor after being pent up for so long.

    When she opens her eyes again they are dazzling. Massive chunks of the earth begin to float, and waves of sky-cracking pressure undulates from where she stands. Initially I believed this planet would swallow the Shadow by way of the girl conjuring what I could only assume to be an actual earthquake, but when she shouts “Freeze!”—her voice booming, commanding—the very fabrics of reality bend to her decree.

    She has stilled the Shadow in place by way of temporal freezing, an application of time manipulation. What is interesting to me is that time was not the only thing she manipulated while trying to manipulate it. Along with the seismic activity and the sky roaring as if it would rain lightning, the temperature around the Shadow dropped and a thick blanket of ice surrounds it. Suffice to say, none of those things are the abilities of a chronokinetic. This is a vital piece of information apropos to unlocking her the true potential.

    The girl walks up to the Shadow and examines it. “Woah…” She straightens her posture and places a hand on her hip, her mouth forming an ‘o’ as she crouches down to get a better look at her frozen foe. “I did this?” she asks, pointing at herself and looking back at me, smiling. With each passing second her smile gets wider. She is very proud of herself. 

    Her smile is contagious. I smile back. She is looking for recognition and I am all too happy to give it. “Yes, you did that. You stopped time, which has confirmed my suspicions. You are the Summoner of Time and Space and we”—I say, gesturing to our surroundings—“have a lot of work to do.”

    “We? Hard pass. I’m going home.”

    “You misunderstand me, I did not mean we were going to clean up the area together.”

    She stops walking and looks at me from over her shoulder, turning around slowly. I had not even realized she started to leave. Not only is she fast, she is quiet as well. She has the footsteps of an assassin—she reminds me of myself. “I’m listening.”

    “We are partners, you and I, and there is much to discuss. Although I am curious as to why you don’t seem shocked about any of this.” I am not sure if it is apathy or if she is just exhausted at this point. She cycles through emotions so quickly, I can barely understand her.

    “To be honest with you, I already know how this goes. Let me guess, you’re some kind of alien?” She is feigning disinterest, preening her nails and frowning as she does so, but unbeknownst to her I have read that the people of Earth have a great interest in extraterrestrials. I see no reason to deny her the information she seeks. She is a Summoner after all. The girl is as much of an extraterrestrial as I am.

    “I hail from another universe, yes. From you I can keep no secrets.”

    “Ha! I knew it! All those stories were true, I—!” She trails off, her enthusiasm fading into silence. “Ahem…” With her gaze glued to the ground, she holds her hands behind her back. “Well…? Where do we go from here?”

    “I need to tend to this mess as to not alert the people of this planet of your skirmish.”

    Part of an Advisor’s job is damage control. It is very important that I erase all evidence of there being a fight here, or it could have grave, cosmic-scale consequences. “Other than that, I have to continue repairs on my ship.” Her face lights up when I mention the Aphelion. Perhaps we have something in common after all.

    I use this opportunity to my advantage, I must know the name of my charge. “My name is Hiroyuki D’Accardi.” If the girl had manners she would give me hers, but she does not. “Feel free to call me whatever you like. And yours?”

    She bites her lip, weighing her options. “If…” The girl is still dazed by the mention of my ship, held rapt by excitement. “If I tell you my name, will you show me your ship?”

    “Perhaps. Weren’t you going home?”

    “Yes, but…”

    “It may be in your best interests to do so, your parents might be looking for you.”

    The mention of her parents snaps her out of her pouty mood. “It’s Ohuang-Zhùróng Kohana,” she says, turning on her heel again and running in the opposite direction. “I’ll be back tomorrow after school, looking for you in this exact spot! Don’t forget!” I’m sure I won’t. Who could ever forget her?

  • ★

    June 26th, 2018

    PROLOGUE
    A Prelude in Gloom

    It starts out like a season in reverse
    A way to set your mind above and over words
    Attached means identity
    Erases things so how can we record?
    Distress call code-word is I wanna live
    He makes it up as it goes, it goes away
    To places he can only hide in other peoples’ minds
    He makes it up as it goes
    It goes away
    Your rational mind’s insane
    Taste the sound you make
    It’s the story that never gets sold
    When the light from the sun, it is your mother.
    —Circa Survive
  • n.) even the eyes of gods must adjust to light / even gods have gods.

    January 3rd, 2018

    First, nothing. Then, the All Creator. An existence before existence perfect in all aspects, but so terribly alone. Celestial Beings call the All Creator’s place of origin Zero–One, predating the multiverse ( What caused the uncaused first cause? Who, or what, created God? ).

    Out of its loneliness, the All Creator created life, resulting in the creation of several cosmic beings, the power to do so in the undiminished fullness of its own infinite being. The All Creator was the vine, and its creations the branches; given the gift of creation, these cosmic beings bore much fruit.

    The Divine Decree, they called themselves, were industrious and worshiped the All Creator, seeking its approval whenever they created life on their own. The Voluntary Decision, an opposing faction, wanted their creations to evolve and for the All Creator to evolve with them, and thus know growth, change, and mortality. Would it not be beautiful if the All Creator was allowed to live? To laugh often, to love, to lose, to go the way that all flesh does? The Divine Decree were appalled. No, the All Creator cannot die. The All Creator is immutable. The All Creator is Wholly Other. We die, but the All Creator does not. This is one of many contrasts between creature and Creator.

    The Divine Decree thought the Voluntary Decision mad, and so began the first Celestial War, a battle for dominion of all existence. Caught in the crossfire of its creations’ war, the All Creator was shattered into infinite pieces—from itself the multiverse born. What remained of the All Creator fled to the edge of existence and became the core of a planet that would later come to be known as ‘Spectra.’

    The All Creator is the progenitor of Celestial Beings. Their cosmic weapons, the Summoners, are given its wisdom, unlimited strength, and eternal nature. The All Creator flows through the Summoners, and with the power of the All Creator at their disposal, they are able to do immeasurably more than what Celestial Beings could ever imagine. The impossible is impossible, but not with the Summoners, not with the All Creator. They will thwart the impossible, the eldritch, the beyond comprehension, the divine and the unimaginable. There is no imperfection or limitation in the All Creator. All else can pass away in an instant; the All Creator inevitably exists forever.

    The leaders of the Divine Decree and the Voluntary Decision live on, Alpha and Omega respectively, twins of opposing power who, to honour the fragmentation of the All Creator, created the First Universe. The First Universe is not of the All Creator, but is allowed to exist within it—surely their act of creation was approved by the All Creator itself. Alpha brought law and order to the First Universe, whereas Omega introduced chaos, the void between the stars, writhing matter coiling about in the unknown, defiance, disorder. Two halves of a whole.

    Confident in their decision, the First People were born, made in Alpha and Omega’s image: the Nulleq, they called them. Gifted with unbreakable horns and conceptual energies flowing through visible, glowing marks upon their bodies, they live in peace on a planet Alpha named after himself, ignorant to the truth of their beginnings. They do not know about the All Creator. They do not know Alpha, believing Omega to be favored by the All Creator, rose against and slew his brother, corrupting him, casting him to the furthest reaches of their universe.

    Alpha, the First Murderer, sits on his throne, contemplating the death of his brother and the persistence of his corpse. This betrayal marked the second Celestial War, and though not as severe as the first, has been going on for eons. Alpha’s children are born into this conflict, cursed to fight against Omega and his forces. There is no foreseeable end; Alpha considers the second Celestial War a punishment given by the All Creator, but an inconsequential one at best. As long as his children continue to give their all, Omega will never usurp him. Some of them have died, but died knowing it was a sacrifice they had to make for the First Universe, for Alpha.

    A Nulleq woman with red hair and fiery eyes stumbles into his abode, holding the Eye of the Universe close to her chest, a circular mirror that gives its chosen keeper omniscience. She is nervous, her glasses crooked, gasping for air—she must have run all the way here. Alpha arches a brow, but remains indifferent to her labored breaths. He wants her to explain herself, nothing more, nothing less.

    “Yes, Wednesday?” Alpha is a master of emotion, majestic in manner and appearance. His charisma is enormous. Of imposing dignity, he rises from his throne and towers over the much shorter woman, his long, lustrous, silver hair carried gently by a mysterious, all-present current. Wednesday has to crane her neck to look up at him. “This must be important, I imagine. Have you news of Omega to share?” He is only responding as he thinks a mildly-concerned leader should, but he could not be more uninterested in matters concerning his brother. As it stands Omega is unfellable, whatever his people do to oppose him will not matter.

    Even in death does Omega have the All Creator’s explicit blessing. It’s not fair. It should be him.

    “My Lord!” Wednesday adjusts herself the moment she hears the rich baritones of Alpha’s voice, but in doing so she almost drops the Eye, struggling to catch it. She was always a clumsy girl; Alpha does not know why the Eye of the Universe chose her as its bearer when she nearly drops it every hour, on the hour. “We have guests from beyond the stars. Shall I let them in?”

    About her lips there plays an eager trembling. It is not often Alpha has guests, as he is not the most… ‘friendliest’ man. He is someone to admire, someone to worship, someone to protect until the bitter end. When he meets with others it is strictly business, he has neither the time nor the want to make friends. There are those he deems worthy—like Ozymandias, the King of the Draegon, or Ragnarøkkr, the Doom of the Gods—but the former rarely meets Alpha in person, and the latter does not visit at all. “The mirror tells me they are not of the First, but has nothing else to offer. It would seem its omniscience is not enough to tell us who these people are.”

    Alpha looks sharply at her, a twinge of fear surging through him. He is both angry at Wednesday for being so careless, and anxious concerning the identity of his guests. “Who are they?” he demands, his voice commanding. Wednesday almost drops the Eye again. “What do they look like?” She squeaks beneath the weight of his gaze. Alpha is not one to give into the turbulence of strong emotions, he prides himself on being unflappable even in the most chaotic circumstances, known for how he stays calm in a crisis. This is not the Lord she has served for millennia. “Well? Do you know anything, girl? Come, out with it, the very fate of our world hinges on your words!” He has never been one to exaggerate and there is urgency in his tone. She holds the Eye tighter as she struggles to find the words to describe his guests.

    “I am sorry, My Lord. I do not think I can.” …But how does one describe the indescribable? Of there being two figures Wednesday is certain, but one of them was blindly radiant, as if she would explode just looking at them. Infinite holiness pervaded their entire being and shaped all their attributes. She does not remember how they look, only how she felt in their presence. It was terrifying, their holiness an uncompromising purity, a disturbing dedication to what is good and right, a violent sacredness. They were breathtakingly abhorrent, divinely horrifying; Wednesday was reminded of all her imperfections the moment they met. “Light… There was so much light, My Lord,” she adds quietly, her words coloured by awe. “They illuminated all. They were life itself. They were light. The ultimate light. Never had I felt so… so warm.”

    A frown tugs at Alpha’s lips. “…Go on.”

    “And how wonderful they were! How good! The source of goodness! They are separate from the rest of creation. Eternally incorruptible.” Her last words trigger his fight-or-flight response. “And their voice was like angels making love, ah, so soft, so ethereal. Like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It was feathered. And they were invariably courteous and soft-spoken. They called you ‘Alphie’ when they requested to see you.”

    “Silly girl, that was the Echonianetic! Do you have any idea of what you have done? What you have wrought upon our world! Did you at least bow? Did you show even a modicum of respect?!”

    “N-no My Lord. Should I have?”

    “You do not understand. The one that called me ‘Alphie’ is the multiversal manifestation of life! The creator and sustainer of all that exists! Everything owes itself to her. Whatsoever is, is in Clotho, and without Clotho nothing can be conceived!”

    “But that’s…” Blasphemy, she wants to say. “You created our universe, My Lord. Not this… Clotho.”

    “Clotho allowed me to create our universe. She is more the All Creator than our universe can bear!” Alpha paces around before coming to an abrupt stop in front of Wednesday, whom he startles into almost dropping the Eye. He then begins to count down on three fingers. “Listen closely, Wednesday. There are three multiversal manifestations, the Umbrakinetic, the Echonianetic, and the Anti-Type. They are the strongest beings in the multiverse! And Clotho is the strongest among them!”

    Wednesday cannot fathom anyone being more powerful than her Lord. He is the Almighty, the Glorious Sword, her King and God. To see him admit his inferiority so frankly, to not just one person but three—it is completely baffling. “You let Clotho win you over with her ‘goodness,’ but she is indifferent to life and even the multiverse itself!” He is shaking now. In an attempt to steady himself, he leans into a wall and hangs his head down low. “Clotho is much older than I, but she approaches things in much the same manner a child would. She cannot understand how horrible it is to erase trillions of lives in a single universe.”

    Wednesday, concerned for Alpha, quietly makes her way over to him. Her first instinct is to give him a hug, but she does not know if that will send him into further hysterics. Instead, she holds the Eye with one hand and pats him on the back. “The way you talk about her, this Clotho, makes it sound like she could destroy our universe in an instant.”

    “Because she can!” comes his quick reply, turning passionately on his heel to face her. “And there is nothing we can do about it! She is the purest form of the All Creator pre-split. She can annihilate anything on all levels just by thinking about it. I watched her not only destroy multiple universes, but an entire timeline as well, just because she could.”

    Wednesday gulps, pressing the Eye of the Universe closer to her chest. “I understand now. She is beyond you, beyond our universe, but… How did you come to be acquainted with such an individual?”

    He falls silent recalling the moment he met Clotho. He sensed her before he saw her, and mistook her for the All Creator. Finally, he thought, the All Creator has at last noticed me and has grown tired of my brother. His heart swelled, and an inexplicable weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was ready to leave his life in the First behind—his children, his wife, his subjects—to join what he assumed to be a whole All Creator that pieced itself together, signaling the end of the multiverse. He wanted to live the rest of his days in Zero–One as the All Creator’s most favored. He had been ready to receive Clotho with open arms. One cannot imagine his sadness when he realized she was not who he thought. But she was close. Too close. An aspect of the All Creator, but one that would not be ignored or cast aside as part of the whole.

    “Clotho is attracted to powerful people,” he begins, regaining his composure. That Clotho thought him strong enough to reveal herself to him always makes him feel better. “Her omniscience extends far beyond that of your mirror. Your Eye is bound to the First. Clotho’s omniscience spans the multiverse.” Wednesday struggles to comprehend his words. As if pacifying the Eye of the Universe, she gives it a few loving strokes along its rim. “There are things even she cannot see, however. My fate is one of them. It is the same for my brother. I assume we are the only two in the multiverse that pose this problem for her.” But she chose me instead of Omega.

    From Wednesday comes a cheerful hum. “Clotho adores you, then. We have no need to worry, My Lord.”

    “Hush. Clotho has a temper. Love does not exempt anyone from it.”

    Clotho’s all-powerful holiness pours from her like an energy when she and her companion appear in front of Alpha and Wednesday with no warning whatsoever. She is immaculate, clad in black with a halo atop her hydrangea-adorned head and an even bigger one at her feet. She comes to them in the form of a svelte woman shorter than even Wednesday herself. Everything about her glows, her eyes, her horns; her fingers are fitted with jewelry that make her nails appear much longer than they are, her cheeks adorned with glittering stars. She is holy thrice over.

    “Alphie!” Excitement overtakes Clotho; she goes from being the strongest in the multiverse to squealing like a schoolgirl. “You’re funny, and I like funny.” With her hands behind her back, she smiles sweetly at him.

    “You carry your loneliness around like an anchor. You look so heavy. Westward ho! Land ho!” With her hands pressed against her stomach she laughs heartily, throwing her head back. “A down-in-th’-dumps first mate will ne’er do when we’ve got plenty o’ adventures t’ go on.” She skips towards Alpha, twirling about and suddenly falling into him. He catches her, not because she could have hurt herself, but because her impact with the floor could have destroyed his planet. Pleased that he catches her, she snuggles against him. “That was close, wasn’t it?”

    Alpha’s limbs are quaking. He is engulfed by a wave of gratitude, abasement and fear. He wants to fling himself on his knees and thank Clotho blabberingly for deigning to notice him. The All Creator never did.

    It’s been so long since he felt alive in his skin. He can only recall feeling hungry before meeting Clotho. Only empty, and greedy, and insatiable. Vacant and ghostly and content with death. Wronged, ruined, next after the best. But then she puts her hands against the arm that caught her and he feels enveloped by a thousand eyes, noses, fingers, and legs. He feels wanted.

    “Most Holy.” He thirsts for her. His whole being longs for her, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. With all his inmost being, he praises her name. Says it in earnest. “I was not expecting you. Are you here to play?”

    Clotho taps an index finger against her cheek and thinks hard about his question. “Well…” she begins, taking her blue gaze around his throne room, “I do want to play…” Her voice trails off as she presses her lips into a pout and separates herself from Alpha.

    “But Kohana’s here, so I have to be serious!” He has heard Clotho speak that name before. ‘Kohana’ is her latest obsession, and he is an oh so jealous man. When Clotho would babble on about her, he would only half-listen. “You remember Kohana, don’t you? She’s really really, really really really really powerful.” It takes everything in him not to roll his eyes. Kohana is nothing but measly entertainment to Clotho, a new toy for her to play with that she will soon grow bored of. She will never take a permanent place by Clotho’s side. She is not worthy enough to walk in the All Creator’s light. “She’s Spectra’s General. You remember her, don’t you? Don’t you?” Another look, then. He wants to know what makes her so special.

    Kohana is pure Eros, not at all like the fearsome warrior Clotho prattled on about. Long hair, bedroom eyes, cheeks like wine, two enormous dimples at the base of her spine. No weapon, but she smells faintly of magic. He has met toddlers stronger than this woman. “Kohana has fought wars across the multiverse. Without her, you would have ceased to exist a long time ago. That would have made me sad. You owe a lot to her, Alpha.”

    “This is that Kohana?” He is unimpressed, his tone flat. “Exaggeration is unbecoming, Most Holy. Is it from her you learned this… habit?”

    “Yes, I am she. In the flesh.” Kohana takes control of the room, advancing towards Alpha with the slyness and cruelty of a cat. “Worry less about Clotho, and more about me. An atom of my body is more important than your entire existence, Alpha.”

    Curious about Kohana’s claim, Wednesday points the Eye of the Universe towards her. It is safe for Wednesday to assume Kohana is not like Clotho, as Alpha said there were only three people in the multiverse that were stronger than him, and Kohana was not listed among them. The Eye, straining to know everything about Kohana, not only fails to work as it did upon Clotho, but instantly shatters. Horrified, Wednesday falls to her knees. She is scrambling to recover the Eye’s pieces, desperate, even. It is ancient and all-powerful, a necessary tool in the war against Omega. Without the Eye, the First Universe is doomed.

    “Oh please. Don’t bother.” Folding her arms, Kohana begins walking towards Alpha’s distraught handmaiden. He watches her like a hawk. “That trinket pales horribly to Clotho’s power. Clotho knows anything and everything, infinitely, but I am immune to omniscience.”

    No one is immune to the All Creator’s omniscience, that’s absurd. There are only some things Clotho does not know about Alpha, and this strange woman claims Clotho knows nothing about her at all? Alpha looks towards Clotho for answers, but she is overwhelmed with happiness at Kohana’s words. Her eyes are full of stars, she thinks highly of her. “I will not waste time introducing myself. Spectra is interested in forming alliances with planets that can handle multiversal threats. Clotho recommended I seek your help.”

    “My Lord, maybe all we needed was Kohana to end this war… Maybe…” Wednesday’s words are barely a whisper. “Clotho must have brought her to us because she is our salvation. We cannot thank her enough for this gift.”

    “And what do I get out of this?” Alpha’s interests always come first. He ignores everything else. “My universe is in the middle of a war.” Kohana is more interested in Wednesday than replying to Alpha. She takes Wednesday’s trembling hands into her own and helps her stand up. “You would do well to watch your mouth, Kohana. You will find that my planet is not useless. I will have you turned inside out for your insolence.” Oh, but she has ravaged kingdoms with that mouth, laid waste to armies with that mouth, swallowed gods with that mouth. Her mouth is dangerous, a universe-destroying weapon in and of itself.

    Kohana brushes some of Wednesday’s hair away from her cheek and smiles gently, relieved that she is not hurt. She pulls away with a promise: I’ll deal with you later.

    Focusing her attention on Alpha, Kohana’s expression quickly changes to that of a scowl. “Have me ‘turned inside out?’ You mean, you won’t do it yourself? How disappointing. If the multiverse is destroyed, your universe will be too, idiot. It’s within your best interests to align with us. Or you can die. I don’t really care.”

    He would be a fool to dismiss her as he cannot even begin to comprehend her power. She is not from Zero–One, and he cannot sense the All Creator within her, yet she is even impossible for Clotho to understand. This Kohana is quite the conundrum; perhaps she is what he needed. “I did not come here to argue with a stubborn man. I’ve extended my hand. Take it.” The cat-like slits in her eyes intensify, her words sulphuric acid. She claims indifference, yet demands he let her help him.

    Instead of being frustrated at Kohana, he thinks of all the ways he could use her to his advantage. She knows nothing about Omega, she would see him as just another target. “Could you defeat someone who is undefeatable? Could you end an endless war?” He will suffer an unbearable woman if that is what it takes to irreversibly remove Omega from the multiverse.

    “Of course she can! Is that what you want? Consider it done!” Clotho answers Alpha for her, cheerful, all smiles. She makes it sound like Kohana doing the impossible is something she does often. “Oh, I can’t wait for you to see her do what she does best! Kohana is amazing, spectacular! You won’t regret this!”

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